I know I should not act as I do in that situation but it is difficult to
help myself. It is because you are an evil bitch from hell. When I'm
in the best state of mind I am able to stop myself from obeying my
instinct, but when I'm not in the best state of mind then my Satanic
side takes over. Nobody's perfect, eh? I told you before we became
seriously involved that I was possessed by the Devil.
When she is in a depressed/bad mood, she is impossible to live with.
She becomes angry at the slightest provocation.
Can you see yourself, empty mirror? Your face filled with anger is a
nonlinear transformation of your grin, your gasp of passion, your
vacant sleepy stare. Finite in extent, self-organizing, undulating. A
terrible beast, with infinite capabilities for love and wonder.
Largely unfulfilled, the emptiness inside is occupied by evil spirits. It
seems to me that you have in your own self a feeling of not being
respected by the world at large, which gives you a hair-trigger
temper and oversensitivity that makes you get upset at me over
little things that rub you the wrong way time and time again.
Finally the most important topic, us. I think that the current
problems between us are both of our faults. Although I truly believe
it's all your fault, as I am perfect, blameless, faultless, and the
ultimate definition of meritorious being.
The pattern of you getting upset and stating you want me to move
out, at which point I promise to be a good boy and we'll all work
things out, is all a fucking piece of shit. The repeated experience of
hugging & kissing you and trying to be all nice while you're stiff and
glaring, or slightly affectionate but with an obvious reserve verging
on distaste, is one that is really quite sickening, reminding me for
example of drinking a chocolate malted milkshake that is actually
made with shit rather than chocolate (chocolate being one of my
favorite foods, if a food it is, some say it is a drug, theobromine
which is in chocolate being similar to caffeine, which is in coffee,
which some say is a drug) and often makes me think of other women
with whom I might be able to be involved who would be able to
embrace me genuinely without an undercurrent of resentment.
Indeed, this pattern is obviously one that I can live with. I've lived
with it for over a year now. I really do love you a great deal and I
really DO want to stay with you and work things out. But, knowing
myself, inasmuch as I know anything, which is fairly little, truth be
told (the truth can't be told), I know that I can't live forever in a
relationship where I know the other person thinks I'm at which point
she sought psychiatric care.
The doctor, after assessing her situation, prescribed medication to
regulate her moods. But she did not use it properly. She habitually
consumed it together with alcohol to get a "super high." Soon she
went off the medication and her depression returned.
I am the Devil, I am the "bad guy", I treat her badly, I ignore her, I
don't love her enough, I get grumpy, I'm moody, I have strange
ideas, I want too much and give too little, I'm just barely good
enough to keep living with, and any day I might do something bad
to push her over the edge and at this point, darling, what if I finally
don't want to come back?
It is fairly frustrating to me that whereas I can admit my fault in
various ways, you maintain an attitude that all the problems are
mine. You refuse to recognize, in any explicit way, that the
problems have to do with things that YOU do that YOU should
change. In short, you suck. You suck.
And you don't suck me anymore.