Zar's Old Stories




Zar's Interestingest, Scariest and Most Violent Dream

November 3, 1997

One day in Hobbiton, the hobbit Bilbo Baggins woke up and found out there were thousands of Death Stars in the sky. He thought the Death Stars were just thousands of planets in the sky. He called all the hobbits, and ran around trying to get people to stop these planets from shooting beams down and killing hobbits.

Then TIE fighters came down and started shooting people. Some people shot bow and arrows at the TIE fighter. One person shot a magic arrow at a TIE fighter and it smashed through the glass and hit the person in the face. But the TIE fighter crashed down on top of the person who shot the arrow, and killed him.

Then, A-wing and X-wing fighters came down, and Luke landed in one of them. But Vader had landed first, and all the rebels dissolved when they touched Vader. Someone shot the magic black arrow at Vader's hand, and it just got disintegrated. Hobbits were running all over, getting shovels and digging holes to hide in. But the holes were no use, because stormtroopers landed and dropped bombs in the holes and blew the hobbits out.

Then Luke came down and shot 29 stormtroopers. Then Vader came to Luke, and Luke fought with Vader, while all the hobbits, men and elves were shooting arrows and throwing spears at Vader.

Then Bilbo found a laser beam gun. And he he pushed something back on it, and it killed a stormtrooper. Then he told all the other hobbits, men and elves to get all the laser beam guns they could -- from dead stormtroopers. Some of them even jumped on stormtroopers and grabbed their laser beam guns where they were still alive.

Luke chopped Vader's hand off, and then Vader ran back to the spaceship to get a robot hand.

Luke told them to pick up dead stormtroopers and throw them at other stormtroopers, to keep them held down long enough for someone else to grab their gun. Luke was killing thousands of stormtroopers, but then he ran back to his X-wing, to go kill the TIE fighters.

Then Gandalf the wizard came, and the Emperor came out. The Emperor was electrocuting Gandalf, and then Sauron, the Dark Lord from Mordor, came to attack Gandalf at the same time. Sauron was stealing more and more of Gandalf's power. Then Vader came and joined the attack, and Gandalf and Sauron were both killed.

Then the orcs and goblins and trolls marched into the battle, along with Sauron's Dark Riders. Luke found the One Ring, which had given Sauron his power, and chopped it in half with his light saber; and the Dark Riders and all of Sauron's orce, goblins and trolls disappeared.

Then then Ents (the tree people) came and dug a huge hole in the ground, so that the lava from Mount Doom came up and burned a lot of people. This was their idea for how to end the war. Everyone ran in their spaceships.

Tom Bombadil, the magical man from the forest, had come out with the Ents, but now he had to fly up into a spaceship also.

The Ents ran up on top of Mount Doom to get away from the fire, but they were too heavy for the mountain, so it collapsed under them, and they burned up in the underground fire.

Then a thousand more Ents came out, and ran away, because they saw that Mount Doom was cracked.

Vader's Star Destroyers and Death Stars dropped huge amounts of metal on the lava to stop it from burning. A thousand hobbits were killed by this time.

It took more than one laser beam to kill an Ent; but a tap of a light saber could kill one.

Then, the other wizards came out, since Gandalf was dead. Three of them were killed, but the hobbits Frodo and Bilbo got all the power from the wizards who were killed, and then they made one of the Death Stars blow up, using this power. Then Saruman, the wizard got killed -- and twenty others. Frodo and Bilbo got all the power from them. Bilbo and Frodo now had two magical rings, from dead wizards, which hadn't been destroyed.

So Bilbo and Frodo made a thousand stormtroopers die, with all their power.

Then Ewoks appeared on the planets -- some of the rebels had gone back to get them. And Zar's and Zeb's army came too, with their Death Universe.

The Death Universe sent out five quintillion Star Destroyers -- which wasn't even an eighth of all the Star Destroyers they had there. And each Star Destroyer sent thousands of TIE fighters and X-wings out.

Zar's and Zeb's army built a huge metal shell around the planet, to make it even bigger. The metal shell had plants on it just as if it were a real planet. So now the planet was even bigger. All the hobbits ran up to the metal part. There was one part of the metal shell which was covered with dirt, and had lots of holes in it, for the hobbits to live in. You could dig twenty miles down through the dirt before you got to hard metal.

The war had destroyed most of the planet -- there were no trees or grass there anymore, just dirt. The lava melted almost everything, before it finally hardened into rock. The hobbit holes were covered.

But Frodo and Bilbo blew up the Star Destroyers that Zar and Zeb's army had brought, because they thought they were evil.

And the Ben and Gwen army came, and they liked the Zar and Zeb army, because the bosses of the army were their kids, so it was like each army was a part of the other one, because they didn't fight each other. They sent even more down -- magicians from other galaxies and other universes. Then they went down and fought with the Emperor and Vader.

The Emperor and Vader killed Ben and Gwen, so now Zar and Zeb were in charge of Ben and Gwen's army and Zar and Zeb's army.

Then something bad happened. Ben and Gwen had sent down an evil magician by mistake, right before they had gotten killed, and the evil magician killed Bilbo. Frodo used his power and killed all the evil there was in the universe and all the universes -- the Emperor and Vader, and all the trolls and orcs and goblin.

Then the Entwives came out, to be with the Ents, because all the evil was gone. They had lived in the center of the planet. The Entmaids came out too.

The planet stayed disgusting from that war forever, so almost everyone went to live in the metal shell. Zar and Zeb's army built twenty more metal shells for people to live in.

It stayed good for two years on that planet, with no evil at all. Then more evil came, from a clone Emperor and Vader. The Zar and Zeb army came back and shot more metal shells over the planet. Thousands of trolls and magicians and other evil creatures came back with the clones. There were two hundred thousand Ents, and Entwives and Entmaids, and the Entwives and Entmaids went back into the center of the planet where they had been. Thousands of TIE fighters came down and shot the metal shells.

The hobbits were in the outer shell; they kept feeling all the shaking, until one fell out of its hole and zoomed out into space. The others ran down to the ordinary planet, because they thought it was the safest place, being in the middle.

More Death Stars came, and shot their laser beams at the metal shells, and broke some of the metal shell.

Trolls were shooting Ents while the Ents came out fight with the TIE fighters. Another magic black arrow was shot at the clone Vader, but it disintegrated when it hit the clone Vader's hand. It made a noise like KKKKKSSSTTHHCKKKK! And it was gone. It ended up in the Star Wars Universe, going towards the ground. In the Star Wars Universe, that arrow can kill anyone but the Emperor and Vader.

A thousand more TIE fighters came, and a thousand more stormtroopers, and they all landed and got out. The hobbits and elves and men ran into the TIE fighters and flew them around, shooting and shooting. The stormtroopers said: "Look! All the TIE fighters are being flown, except for one. I don't think we can shoot them all down." Then, it flew up. All the other TIEs that hobbits, elves and men were flying went back and shot the other TIE fighter.

A thousand more TIEs came, and now the hobbits, elves and men only had 999. But the good ones were much better at flying fast. The hobbits flew the TIE fighters down into their hobbit holes; the elves and men flew theirs into the places that they lived.

Then all these boats came out of the oceans, and people got off the boats and went around collecting laser guns. Then they went back on the boats and shot TIE fighters, once they found out there was a war going on.

In each TIE fighter there were 20 laser beam guns, so each creature in a TIE fighter came out to shoot the laser beam guns.

Luke fought with Darth Vader more, and Frodo had all the power of the wizards who had died, so he used his power to blow up a Death Star. But then he found it wasn't really blown up, it was just broken, so that when it shot a beam, it just shot an ordinary laser beam, and all the people inside it were very very tiny, flying very, very little TIE fighters. The people inside could not fight very well having shrunk that small; they were no more powerful than a nail. Then Frodo made all the other Death Stars really blow up.

But Star Destroyers smashed through all the metal shells and got in by the regular planet. There were no more metal shells around. Vader landed on the planet. The Zar and Zeb army decided they would have to blow up that planet ... but then they decided instead they would send a quintillion fighters down, and a quintillion people in spacesuits that you could fly in. They all moved down to the planet and destroyed all the planet that was there. But they knew more evil was going to come again, so they built two times as many metal shells as there had used to be, and everyone lived on the metal shells.



How Luke Skywalker Destroys Joruus C'Baoth


Zar, August 2 1997

Lukc Skywalker knew there was a Jedi Master that was named Joruus C'baoth. And Luke Skywalker was a Jedi Master. Luke made a spaceship so that the outside was electric and the inside was metal, by shooting red lightning bolts out of his hands. Lukc could turn lightning bolts into laser beams, and he could shoot lightning bolts out of his eyes.

Luke found Jorus C'baoth in another universe, in Universe ZarAndZeb ... the galaxy he was in in that universe was the farthest one from the middle of the universe, and the closest to the outside of that universe. And the name of the planet he was on was Zichabod. Then Luke found him and shot lightning bolts out of his eyes at Jorus C'baoth and laser beams out of his fingers. And Jorus C'baoth didn't know how Luke did that, so Jorus C'baoth ran away, because he was afraid of Luke, because Luke shot lightning bolts out of his eyes.

C'baoth got in his spaceship and went to Universe Infinity. He didn't go through hyperspace, he went through another kind of hyperspace, that Luke didn't know about.

Then 400 clones of Jorus C'baoth came out, but none of them were the real one. But Luke did what he did to the real Jorus C'baoth to all of them, and they were so scared that they went to Universe Infinity.

But then Luke found out that all the other Rebels were getting destroyed by 400 other clones of Jorus C'baoth. He flew in his spaceship back there, but then he saw 400 million bombs, and laser beams coming out of the Jorus C'baoth's eyes and their fingers and their toes. Then Luke made 400 million clones of him, so there were 400,000,001 Lukes. Then all the Lukes made little spaceships from lightning and they destroyed all the Jorus C'baoths.

But by then, most of the Rebels were dead, because it had taken Luke 4 years to get back to the base. The only that was alive was the Wookie, Chewbacca. All the others had been destroyed. Chewbacca had figured out all the Jorus C'baoths were coming before anyone else, and had hidden. Han Solo hadn't believed him that the clones were coming, so he hadn't gone to hide with Chewie. Chewbacca had hidden down underground, as far down as he could dig with his claws. The C'baoths knew he was there, but they didn't know exactly where he was. He was so far down that they couldn't feel him very well in the Force. If he had dug two more meters down, he would have gone through a special door into Universe Infinity, that was inside the planet.

Luke didn't know where the Wookie was, when he got the the planet and defeated the clones. One of them -- the real Luke, who was in charge of all the others -- saw a hole and jumped in it, and at the bottom of the hole he found Chewbacca; and he brought Chewbacca up. All the other Lukc Skywalkers were looking around the rest of the planet, and what they found around the base was all the other rebels dead.

They brought the other rebels into the spaceship, and they got Chewie to dig a big hole down to the middle of the planet, and they flew down in their spaceships to the middle of the planet, and they went through a doorway into Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbkdkje- dkblblbldulllbldedquock. When they got to Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbk- dkjedkblblbldulllbldedquock, then they cloned all the people, and they made spaceships for all of them, and they went back into Universe Infinity where all the other Rebels were. And they were stuck in that universe forever.

Then Luke and Chewie went back to the planet Zichabod, and they didn't see anybody else. They went back to the cloning planet, in Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbkdkjedkblblbldulllbldedquock, and made more clones of the dead Rebels, and sent those clones out in more spaceships. The clones went back to the planet Zichabod and went into the hole and they were in Universe Infinity. All the Lukes and Chewbacca decided: "Okay, we'll just stay by ourselves here."

The Beginning of Zar Wars

Typed by Zar Goertzel, November 1997
(some help from Ben on spelling)
I    love    you   Ben,  Gwen,   Zeb,    Zade and Zar .  Let's  play
hide  and   seek . I  love   you .   The  story  is   gonna  start
now .    The     story   is   Zar   Wars.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One  day   Zar   and  Zeb  were  Jedi   Master  Gods.   Then
Luke  found   Zar   and   Zeb.   Zar   said   we   are  good
Jedi   Master  Gods  we   are    going    to    kill    the
emperor.        
        


   
                       chapter    1

            

  
                             Go   to   kill    the   emperor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
zar    and   zeb  and   luke      flew   to    the   death    star.
Zar   told    the    emperor   that  we  are   Jedis   and  we
have   caught   luke    so    let   us   in.   Are   you  on   the
dark  side  of    the   force, asked the Emperor.    Yes,    they   
said  with   the   force  so   the   emperor   let    them   in.   
It's  in  room  142869.   zar   and  zeb    went   to  the  emperor  
and    electrocuted    him.     zar and   zeb   used   the  force  to
break    the  metal   and   luke    ran   away   and  saw   vader.
Luke   moved    his   light saber  left    and  vader  moved   his
light saber   right     



                       chapter     2  
               go   to    middle    earth  
========================================================================================================================================================

===============================================================================================================================================================================================================================================           
Jan    followed   a   star destroyer     to  middle  earth    and   
landed.  Then  a    elf   shot   an  arrow  at  a    rebel   and
he  died.  Then  han  killed  a  elf.

The Love of the Dinosaurs and Darth Vader

 

By Zarathustra Amadeus Goertzel

June 1997

 

 

 

One day Darth Vader saw pterodactyl flying by on the moon of Endor. He thought it could be useful to help win the war against the Rebels. So he decided to get hundreds of stormtroopers to help him capture the pterodactyls. He saw a whole herd of pterodactyls flying past already.

Then he saw four Tyrannosaurus Rexes charging towards him. He knew he'd have to use the Force to kill them. He got all the Imperials to grab the Tyrannosauruses with nets and catch them, to help him kill the Rebels, and turn Luke to the Dark Side.

He took all the stormtroopers who had caught the dinosaurs he saw and brought them on the Katana fleet of 200 Dreadnaught fighters, to bring back to their base. He taught the pterodactyls to fly in space, using oxygen tanks that he gave them, and jets to help them go extra fast so their air won't run out, and heaters to keep them hot in space. The pterodactyls went to the Rebels' base, and Luke saw them; he thought they would be useful in the war against the Empire. He captured them and made them go to try to kill the Empire.

All of the Rebels went in 400 Dreadnaughts, called the Eliminator Fleet because it could blow up a Death Star just by shooting laser beams at it very fast in four hours, the Death Star would be blown up by the laser beams of the fleet of Dreadnaughts. The pterodactyls were flying in space, next to the Dreadnaughts.

But then the Empire saw the pterodactyls flying by. The Rebels killed all the Tyrannosaurus Rexes that were on the moon of Endor, and the Empire killed all of the pterodactyls.

This happened long after the real Darth Vader died; this Darth Vader was a clone of the real one, made from the real one's hand that Luke had chopped off..

Darth Vader sent all the Star Destroyers and the Katana Fleet and all the Empire's TIE fighers and 400 Death Stars after the Rebel Fleet. But the Rebels had enough Dreadnaughts to destroy all the Death Stars and everything else because they had invented a cloning machine that could clone things that weren't alive Dreadnaughts and other spaceships. They cloned more and more and more spaceships, that kept flying out as fast as they could to help out in the war. They had one person back there and they kept on cloning him over and over again to fly the spaceships. They kept on copying the one person, and kept copying the clones. The original person was in the main Dreadnaught that was controlling all of the others it was near the Rebels' base. He had little movie screens showing pictures of the other Dreadnaughts, and where they were going, so he could tell them what to do.

This kept up until the Rebels had 800 quintillion (800,000,000,000,000,000,000) Dreadnaughts, Then the one person who was controlling them started to fly in one of them but the main controlling one did not move, it just kept on learning what the other ones were doing, and making them do things. The 800 quintillion ships that the Rebels had blew up all the stuff that the Empire had.

After they were done using all these Dreadnaughts, most of these people had to live in the spaceships, because there weren't enough planets for them all. When they needed more gas to make the spaceships go, they pulled up near a star and got more gas. The Rebels built a Star Destroyer and 40 Death Stars, by mushing a lot of Dreadnaughts together. Their Death Stars shot red beams of light, using a huge gun made by melting together millions of smaller guns taken off of Dreadnaughts. Then they kept cloning the Death Stars to make more Death Stars, and they kept cloning TIE fighters.

Eventually the whole universe was filled up with spaceships and weapons, so there was nowhere to move. They made tunnels between spaceships and those were the only places left to fight. There were still some bad guys who had sneaked on the Rebel ships a lot of stormtroopers who had been left on planets during the war because there weren't enough ships.

They built tunnels through planets to get to a spaceship from a planet, and tunnels into the inside of planets; and they had special cooling systems to make it so they couldn't get too hot in the center of a planet; and if it was cold in the center of a planet, then the had special heating systems to make it so they wouldn't get too cold.

And Darth Vader met Luke when he was working on one of the spaceships, and Darth Vader chopped both of Luke's hands off and both of Luke's feet off; and Luke chopped both of Darth Vader's hands off and Darth Vader's feet off, by moving his lightsaber through the air with the Force. They were both stuck there until one of the good guys found Luke and gave him robot hands and robot feet

Luke liked the universe full of spaceships, because he liked spaceships.

Later, Luke came back and killed Darth Vader he couldn't turn Vader to the good side of the Force because it was a clone; clones were impossible to make good. But it wasn't a crazy clone, it was a smart clone there was a way to make very smart clones in a minute now.

Then a stormtrooper came and took Darth Vader's head, and made a clone of Darth Vader again, so there would be a new clone of Darth Vader.

Then Darth Vader went back on the ship and fought with Luke. They kept fighting for hours until the day was done then he was still fighting with Darth Vader, until Luke used the Force to control Darth Vader's lightsaber and chop Darth Vader's leg off.

 

Jorus C'baoth was cloned, from his hand which had been chopped off by Luke.

The space between suns and planets was filled with spaceships, but there were special windows so light could get through. The windows were made out of peoples' hair so everyone was totally bald. Whenever someone grew long enough hair, they cut it off, because they needed it to make the windows. But they needed something to make the hair invisible. They did this by using the Force.

Jorus C'baoth took Darth Vader away and made a clone of him from his leg. They came back and were fighting Luke. But Leia's son came out and helped Luke to fight, and he killed Jorus C'baoth by sneaking up behind him and stabbing him with a lightsaber. Then Leia's son killed Darth Vader by stabbing him in the back, and put both of them in outer space, where no one else could find them he put them out between the spaceships.

 

Then there were four other clones of Jorus C'baoth and four other clones of Darth Vader. And they saw 800 pterodactyls and four Tyrannosaurus Rexes and nine velociraptors. These had come from a different galaxy that no one had ever gone to but now the whole universe was filled up with spaceships, so the dinosaurs broke through the windows of spaceships to get into some spaceships, and traveled from one spaceship to another until they got to where Luke and Darth Vader and the others were.

Darth Vader was very glad to see the dinosaurs. He sent them all to Leia's son, to kill him. But he used the Force to chop their heads off, so the war against the dinosaurs was very easy for him.

But then the four Darth Vaders killed Leia's son. Leia was so upset she killed herself. Luke went crazy and killed Leia's other kid, and he killed everyone he saw. He was a good guy, but he went crazy and killed everyone he saw. He wasn't on the Dark Side and he wasn't on the good side when he got crazy he was on the Crazy Side of the Force, like Jorus C'baoth.

But Jorus C'baoth got to be not crazy, and killed Luke. He had made a special machine that gave the thing that made him crazy to Luke, making Luke crazy, and making him not be crazy.

Then the real Luke showed up. It turned out to have been a clone of Luke that was doing that crazy stuff. And there was another clone of Luke, also going crazy, and the real Luke killed the other clone of Luke.

Luke wanted to get rid of the cloning machine, because it was causing so much trouble, but he never knew where it was. It kept cloning itself, by scratching some metal off of itself, and putting the metal into the machine, and creating more metal. People on the Dark Side kept taking the metal that the cloning machine produced and making new cloning machines out of it.

Cookie Monster's Lovely Plankton

by Zar, October 28 1996

 

 

"Cooooooooookieeees!!!" the Cookie Monster said.

His mother fed him some cookies. He ate half of one of them. "Yukky cookies,"

he said. "I hate cookies. I want some plankton."

His mom said, "I don't know where that stuff is gotten. So you must go get it yourself."

"I don't know where to get it either."

"I don't even know what it is," said his mom.

"I know what it is," said the Cookie Monster. "And I know that blue whales eat it. But it's too small to see, so how do blue whales find it?"

"Maybe their eyes can just see better than ours under the water," said his mom.

"No," said Cookie Monster. "I think they just drink the water and the plankton get stuck on the little things inside their mouth. And then their tongue comes and takes the plankton off and puts them into their stomach."

"How can you do that?"

"I'll get some strings and put the stuff that plankton like to eat on the strings. Then they'll all come and suck on the strings and then I'll take them off with my tongue and swallow them."

"But how will your tongue get them off of the strings?"

"I'll make my tongue very good and strong, I'll make it much bigger."

 

 

So Cookie Monster walked to the ocean.

He got lots of bottles of stuff that he thought plankton would like -- Plankton Super Gum that sticks to plankton. He put it on some strings in his mouth. Then he went down and rubbed it on the bottom of the ocean.

But then, something terrible happened. Lots of whales jumped up all around him, until he was covered by heaps of blue whales, trying to get some plankton. He decided to follow them to where plankton was. He saw where all the blue whales were right away, and he saw that a humongous group of great white sharks was chasing them all over, and he nearly got eaten.

 

 

Eleven giant octopuses swam by. He got one piece of plankton but then it started growing inside him. It was growing until it got big enough for you to see on land. It was starting to split him open. He was saying "Ouch! Ouch!" He decided to reach down in his throat and pull it out. But he couldn't get it out himself, so he went to an octopus and said "I need some plankton to be taken out. It's giant." One of the giant octopuses took it out for him.

He planted the plankton in the bottom of the ocean. Then it kept growing and growing, until it came out on land. It started growing out from under the land, near people's houses. They said "What is that? What is growing? It's something growing from the ocean! I think it's a giant plankton growing up, because we're near the best plankton place in the world, where all the blue whales live. I think it's plankton!!!!!"

 

 

Some scientists came to study the plankton, and they found out that it might never stop growing. It kept getting bigger and bigger, until it was taller than Mount Everest. It kept getting thinner and thinner and taller and taller. They thought that eventually, it would break down into pieces, but it didn't, it just kept getting thinner and thinner and taller and taller, until it was invisible, but it was still growing.

It kept growing until it reached the planet Zalipsik. Creatures with 96 heads and 400,000,000 legs and infinity eyes and zero noses and two mouths lived on this planet. Their hair was 2000 meters tall, and the creature was 4000 meters tall. These creatures could see the plankton because they had infinity many eyes. They slid down the plankton until they got to Earth.

The creatures from Zalipsik thought Earth was part of their planet, because on their planet, giant planktons grow all the time. They thought they could eat the Earth, because they normally eat their planet, and they thought the Earth was part of their planet. One of them tried to eat the Earth -- he ate the rock and he said "I think I'm getting sick! I think I'm gonna die! Don't eat the rock on this planet!" And none of them ate the rocks on Earth. They decided Earth was not good for them because if the eat anything there they get killed, and the air wasn't very good for them, so they went back to Zalipsik. The one of them who had eaten the rock died, and the earth scientists cut it open to see how it was made.

 

 

The Cookie Monster decided plankton was too much trouble, and he went back to eating cookies. He went back to his mom and he said "I've decided that I'll go back to eating cookies, because it's too hard to get plankton, even though I ate one giant one. It got really giant and now it goes to another planet!!!"

His mom said, "Good. Your name is not Plankton Monster, it's Cookie Monster, so you're supposed to eat cookies. Now you can eat those old cookies I gave you before you did this journey."

The Very Silly Scientist

September 1996

There once was a scientist who lived very happily in a little house, and he tried to invent a robber-catching machine. And he would put it on the window and it would capture robbers who tried to get in the window, and tie them up with ropes, and it would drop them in a very big, deep basement. And after four hundred and sixty million days he finally figured out how to build the machine, and it took him twenty-six days to build it.

Once the machine was built, a robber got captured in it, and he fell into the basement. But then, twenty-six days after, the scientist locked himself out of his house, so he tried to get in his window. The machine had made itself invisible, and the scientist forgot about it, so he got captured and tied up in ropes and dropped into the basement.

He had a wife who was a scientist, who made the basement. She went to the basement to take the robbers to jail. The scientist was tied up in so many ropes that she couldn't see him; she couldn't see that he wasn't a robber. So she took him and the other robber off to jail. They were both put in the same prison, and the scientist had lots of stuff in his pockets, that was stolen by the other robber when he was sleeping.

The wife started wondering where he was, and she went to the prison and found him. She took the rope off him and wound the rope back into the machine, so it could wind up two hundred and sixty million other people.

Then, the next day, the machine captured an alien that came in a spaceship from outer space. It caught the spaceship and wound it up. The alien unwound its spaceship down in the basement and said "Hey! Why did you wind me up!!"

Chapter 2

The scientist and his wife jumped down through the machine while the machine was sleeping (it sleeps for one minute every day while the people stand guard), to go see the alien. They stayed down with the alien for the whole day. But the next day, while the machine was sleeping, no one was guarding it, and someone came up and stole the machine. But right when they got the machine to their house, it captured them and threw them back to the basement, and it walked back to the house. It was very happy, and it knew not to ever go to sleep again.

The alien's spaceship loved the machine very much, and wanted to get married to the machine. So the spaceship was flying all over with the machine. The alien hated the machine, he wanted to saw it in half, but he couldn't do it because his teeth weren't sharp enough. He tried to get the spaceship to kill the machine, but the spaceship wouldn't do it.

The alien tried to saw the machine in half with a giant electric saw, but the spaceship had twenty-six more aliens in it, who had been sleeping before, and they all liked the machine. The saw was as big as a computer, but the spaceship was as big as a big painting, much bigger than the computer. The machine was as big as a big door. The other aliens shot thousands of machine gun bullets at that alien, until it died. Then the machine captured it, and put it in the basement again.

But the alien came back to life -- that kind of alien can't stay dead, if it's shot by machine guns. The only way they can really get killed is to get squeezed very hard. And its skin is as hard as brick, so it's almost impossible to kill that alien. The alien broke open the basement walls and it dug and dug until it got into the jail. The walls of the jail were metal, so he couldn't break them and get out. The floor was metal now too. Right when he got in, the policemen squirted metal all over the walls, so the alien was surrounded by metal, and he couldn't get out. The jail cell had so much metal all over, so that he had to go through a big maze to get to the part with the bars.

The alien still had his saw, and it was strong enough to saw through the bars, though not strong enough to saw through the walls. But there was so much metal all over that he couldn't find the bars.

Finally, in one of the dead ends, he found a big piece of magic gold, and he ate it, and he changed and disappeared himself and came out from behind the bars. He said, "Now I can get out and kill those other guys!"

But the spaceship had already left, and taken the machine to its planet. All the other twenty-six aliens were gone too. The house and the scientist, and the scientist's wife had all gone to the other planet. And he had a garage, that they brought too, which had a special lock -- you had to have toothpaste and put it in the hole, and blow on it, to get the lock to open. That garage was where he did all of his experiments.

He decided to steal a spaceship to fly back to his planet. But he didn't know how to get the the place where spaceships are built. The only way to get there was to walk through metal, and aliens can't walk through metal -- only people can (in this story people can walk through metal). So what he decided to do was to make a capturing machine like the other one. He made the machine and it captured a spaceship, and he killed all the people in the spaceship. But when he got in the spaceship, he forgot how to fly it, and he just flew all over until he almost starved to death. Finally his spaceship-capturing machine captured him and threw him out -- it squeezed him to death -- and then it drove back to the other planet where the aliens lived. The machine knew how to drive spaceships, and it was stronger than the other machine, that the scientist had built!!!

The Silly Scientist Comes Back

September 1996

The silly scientist lived for twenty six years on the other planet. He had a job there, making very strange kinds of machines. He had to test, and try to figure out how to make the machines, because he didn't know much about the materials they had there on their planet. What the machines did was to tie bad guys up, just like his old machine on Earth. But the machines had to be different, because some of the bad guys were very strong aliens, and they could break metal. So he had to make the machine out of rubber bands because none of them could break rubbers bands; and he used rope because none of them could break rope. They were a magic kind of rope and rubber bands.

He went on a trip to the center of the other planet. There is the place where you work on spaceships. He did a test on building spaceships, and he tried to make suits that you can wear to go into the sun. The suits worked; everything of his worked. He went into the sun with his suit and he didn't die, but all the other people who went with him died, because they took their suits off to bathe in the water they found there in the sun. There was no water there, it just looked like it was water -- it was really outer space. So they burned to death in less than one second after they took off their suits.

And then they figured out a way to make their suits more magic, and their spaceships, so they could just walk on the sun, and land their spaceships on the sun, for a long time without getting hot at all. They decided to go live on the sun. There were Sun Creatures there, who were very cold, as cold as an ice cube -- two hundred and forty four million of them. The Sun Creatures were their enemy and tried to kill them. The Sun Creatures could only fight with plastic and paint -- the stuff they throw all over their part of the sun to make it colder so they can live there. The scientist and his friends won because they could pick up bits of fire from the sun -- they threw the fire all over and burned the Sun Creatures up. The Sun Creatures that didn't die in the war had to leave the sun and go somewhere else. The Sun Creatures went to the Earth.

Then they figured out a way to live on the sun without wearing suits -- by putting magic powder on themselves, that was made of something in the sun, called DalOak. Even the middle of the sun wasn't too hot for them. DalOak comes from the middle of the sun -- they got it in the spaceship, before the war with the Sun Creatures.

But when the Sun Creatures left the sun, they took the only spaceship -- the one the scientist and other people had come to the sun in. The people on the sun had no way to make another spaceship. How do you think they got off?

Some more aliens figured out how to make another spaceship, and they went and built a spaceship to bring the other guys back. You only need one person to drive this kind of spaceship. It was twenty times as big as our spaceships now.

But after a while, the scientist decided he really wanted to have a very special kind of TV. You could only make that kind of TV on Earth; they don't have the right materials on the other planet. It was a CD-ROM TV, that could play CD-ROMs. The TV was also a CD-ROM computer, too. The scientist decided to go back to Earth to get it, and then he would bring it back to the other planet, to show them what kinds of strange things they made back on Earth.

Chapter 2

Now when the scientist went to Earth, he went to Perth, in Australia. That was where he had lived before. He went to the store to buy the kind of TV he wanted -- one with a CD-ROM, a computer in it, and a very big screen, a screen as big as the wall of a house. He bought a house -- a big house by the ocean -- and he brought the TV to his house.

But when he was sitting there watching TV, he heard a very strange noise. It sounded like something he had heard once before -- on the Sun. It was the Sun Creatures. They were in Perth, trying to kill everyone in Perth. After they had killed everyone in Perth, they would get back in their spaceship and go back to the US and try to kill the army. But I don't think they could kill the army, because there were only 14 of them.

He didn't know how to kill the Sun Creatures on Earth. But he said to them, "would you like to come to my house and watch TV?"

And they said "yes!" and came as fast as they could. They sat down and watched TV for a long time, because they liked TV so much. They liked the TV so much they wanted to watch it forever and ever and never stop. If they ever got bored with the TV, they started playing CD- ROM and computer games. They never wanted to get out of his house. But he made a machine to lock the doors and windows of the house to stop them from ever getting out, if they ever wanted to. And they liked the professor, the scientist, because he let them watch TV.

But after a couple of years, they got very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very bored. They really wanted to get out of the house. They found out how to make a machine that would break down the TV and the CD-ROM thing, and make little jigsaws and machine guns to saw through the door.

The scientist had gone and bought another TV and brought it to the other planet, and had just left Earth. By the time the Sun Creatures got out of the house, all but one of them had starved to death, because they couldn't eat the Sun anymore. But the one was very lucky, because he figured out a way not to starve to death -- he made a special machine that he could put on his mouth, so he could live by eating little germs.

The scientist stayed on the other planet, and the Sun Creature decided to stay on Earth and be nice. And that was the end.

The Silly Scientist Builds 960 Robots

by Zarathustra Amadeus Goertzel

November 1996

 

One night the Silly Scientist had a dream about building robots. He dreamed that he built a thousand robots. Then he dreamed sixty robots. Then he dreamed nine hundred and sixty. Then two hundred million. In his dream, he thought; We should make them do all kinds of things like make paintings, or do computers, or make houses, or invent stuff and make better kinds of air conditioners and heaters, like a heater you burn with a match and it keeps burning for two hundred million years. He thinks about a billion robots as small as germs that go inside of people's brains and make them smarter; and tiny robots that go inside peoples' cells and stop them from dying so people never grow old and die. He thinks about robots that go inside the sun and make the sun so that it never explodes; and go all around the universe and make the universe so that it never crunches up.

Then he woke up, and he found out that it might be impossible to make all those robots that he had in his dream. At first he thought it had really happened, that it had been his real life when he was thinking about all those robots, but then he found out it was just a dream. He decided to start making the easiest kind of robot first, so he could see how easy it was to make a robot. Then he would keep making harder and harder robots, so he could learn more about how to make robots. Robot scientists were learning this stuff in school, but he wasn't, he was just figuring it out by himself, because he was smarter than them.

The first robot he made was very small and rolled around on three wheels. It was shaped like a little cup and had a small computer screen that you could read what it said on, but it didn't say very much stuff. You could set it up to beep for a very long time -- for two days or a year. It ran on batteries and the batteries ran down after about half an hour. The brain ran on its own batteries, and the other parts ran on a different kind of batteries. The batteries were the same kinds, but one kind of battery had to control more than the other.

That first robot didn't do very much for him; he thought that robot was too stupid. He decided to save it and make it part of the last robot he ever makes -- the biggest and the smartest. But first he decided to make a small robot that was smarter: as small as a germ and as smart as a human. The very small robot disappeared -- he didn't see it for a long time after that. He didn't know where it was because he couldn't see it. It was talking to the other germs; the other germs thought it was a germ, but it was really a robot. The robot ate the germs and that's why it was a very useful little robot -- it kept people from getting sick. It could see when someone was about to get sick and it would kill the germ. It could even go inside of people, and see the germs that were inside of people.

Next he made a robot that was able to have babies. That way he wouldn't have to make so many robots himself; some of the robots could make other robots. He made a robot that destroyed fire, so no fire would ever come back. There were only fires for cooking on, on grills; but if a fire spilled out and burned a tree, it would be destroyed and would never be allowed to go back there.

Sometimes the little baby robots were a little different from their mommy ones or their daddy ones. Sometimes the babies were smarter than their parents; they might know that some things can be useful for some stuff, and might not be useful for other stuff, and their moms and dads might not know that. The baby robots could have other robots when they were still babies, and their babies were even smaller babies. And the even smaller babies would have even smaller babies, until they were so small until they were smaller than germs -- smaller than the smallest kind of germs -- smaller than anything that was alive in all of outer space -- smaller than one speck of fire that you can't even see.

He made a robot man and a robot woman, and the robot man made a robot woman pregnant, and the babies had another baby, and they kept having another and another and another baby until they were as small as the smallest thing in universe. Then he decided he wanted to be that small, so he made a robot that knew how to shrink him that small.

And then he was as small as the smallest robot he had made. He could see things that were very big -- people looked huge to him. He figured out a way to make even smaller robots, and he figured out a way to make himself even smaller. And then he figured out a way to make even smaller robots, and to make himself as small as them. Eventually he gets so small that he can barely even see the big robots. The sun looked really really big to him. Then he decided to make many robots that small.

But these robots were very troublesome. They thought there was only one woman they could marry; they all wanted to marry the same woman. They were so troublesome fighting about this woman all the time that he decided he would have to kill them. But he didn't want to kill them, because he had spent a lot of time making them. What he did was to make even littler robots to go into their brains and fix their brains so that they wouldn't fight over the woman anymore.

One day they found some very small black holes that led into other universes. The black holes were so small that only the tiniest robots and the Silly Scientist could fit into them. They found a universe that had a good planet in it, a very good planet, but there was a war on the planet; the robots were fighting against humans. There were two humans and 106 robots, and the robots killed all the humans. The robots on the planet saw the Silly Scientist and saw that he was very, very small and they wanted to kill him, but his robot friends said "No, don't kill him," and they had a war. All the robots got killed in the war, but the scientist survived.

He went back to his own universe, made himself bigger and decided to be a regular person. He was very old by now, so he decided to just stay home and relax all the time, and watch TV, and play a little bit with toys -- drawing, playing with toy cars, and stuff. And then one day he died: one of the robots he had made before, with a gun, came up and killed him. And then one of the cops came up and shot that robots, and then someone killed the cops. A professor -- another silly scientist!

The new Silly Scientist was way, way smarter; he took the old one's laboratory and started doing his own experiments. He was smarter about making big robots, but the other one was smarter about making small robots and war robots. He made big robots that were smarter than humans.

 

The Story of Head

by Zar with help from Ben

October 1996

 

Gwen was very pregnant, and one day she felt cramps inside her, that told her it was time to have her baby.

She called the midwife, who came to the house, and then she lay down on the bed and waited for the baby to come.

She was screaming and yelling and moving around, and then the baby came out. It was a boy baby, very cute. It was named Zockelowd (Ben, Zar and Zeb thought Zockelowd was the best name; Gwen thought Sebayowd was the best name; and we named it the name that the most people liked).

Gwen held the baby in her arms and gave it a nurse. But then she felt something strange. Another baby was coming out! She screamed and yelled again, and pushed very hard and something came out. But the midwife was amazed. What came out this time was not a whole baby! It was just a head.

At first they thought the rest of the baby was stuck inside. But then the saw that the head was a special kind of head. It was closed off at the bottom, below the neck. If you touched its neck, you could feel a heartbeat.

They took the head to the hospital right away. The doctors looked at it, and did some X-rays. They were astounded. The head had all the parts that a body needs, all packed into its neck. A little heart, two little lungs, a little stomach, and even a little hole so it could pee and poop.

They took the head home, and decided to name it Head.

 

 

Head grew older and they found out that he was very smart. He couldn't run around and play like other children, so he spent a lot of time thinking. He spent almost all his time thinking, sleeping and dreaming.

When he got to be school age, he went to school with the other children. Some engineers at the university build him a special car machine he could roll around on. It also had special feet for walking over rough ground. When it came to rough ground, it took in the wheels and put out the feet. Head controlled the little machine by blinking his eyes and moving his tongue.

Sometimes, when he got older, the kids at school would pick on him. They would laugh at him, and take him out of his car machine and roll him around like a football. Then he would try to bite them. His big brothers Zar and Zeb would come and beat up the boys who were bothering him.

 

 

When Head got even older, he became a very smart scientist. He decided to build a spaceship. He also built a lot of robot heads, which rolled around in little robot cars and kept him company. He wanted to take them in the spaceship with him.

After a year and a month, he finished the spaceship and they blasted off into outer space. They went very, very far from their planet, until they went out of the universe and into another universe.

The first star they found in the other universe had a planet with people on it. But the people weren't whole -- they were only heads. Head and his robots were very happy on this planet. They looked around, and couldn't find a single person with a body. Everything on the planet was made for heads. There were little tiny cars everywhere for the heads to drive, and the cars had little elevators to lift the heads up into their seats. The houses were very small, so that a person who had a body couldn't even have fit into one of them.

 

 

Head had a very good time there, but after a while he decided it was time to back to Earth. He asked the head people from the other planet if any of them wanted to come back with him. Five of them did -- the smartest ones on the planet. They wanted to see what the people on Earth looked like, and see if it might be worth it to get bodies themselves.

So they got in the spaceship and zoomed back to Earth. The head people thought bodies were very, very funny looking. They thought Earth was interesting, but they decided to go back to their own planet. Head stayed on Earth, and lived with his family.

 

Everything went along fine for several years. But then Head started growing bigger and bigger. No one could understand why. He just grew and grew, and by the time he was thirty years old, he was six feet tall. By thirty-three, he was as big as a house, and no one knew how to build a special car machine strong enough to carry him around.

He spent a lot of time sailing around the ocean in a special boat he made. His family was in the bottom of the boat, and he was in the top.

His mouth was so big, that if he yelled, it would shake the whole world.

But by the time he was thirty-five, he was almost as big as the moon. There was no longer any room for him on the Earth. He was a whole planet! He had to start eating meteors and asteroids, because there wasn't any other food for him.

 

 

Zar and Zeb and Gwen and Ben and Zockelowd missed Head, so they decided to go live on him. A lot of other people decided to follow them. It was a good place to live, unless you got near the mouth -- then you could get swallowed. Or near his nose, because when he sneezed, it felt just like a volcano erupting.

A fun game was to sit on his upper lip and get blown across onto his chin by the air coming out of his nose.

 

But after a couple more years, he started to grow even more, in a different way. He started to grow a body and some wings. Each wing was as big as the USSR. His legs were almost long enough to make a bridge from Earth to Mars.

Finally he told his family and all the other people on him to to back to Earth. And he flapped his giant wings and flew away.

 

No on Earth saw him for forty-seven years after that. But then, when Zar and Zeb were all grown up, and Ben and Gwen were very old, he came back. He told them wonderful stories about all the different universes he'd visited.

And he gave Zar and Zeb magic suns, that they could carry in their pockets, that would help them travel to other universes. He gave Zar two, and Zeb one. The magic suns could get them anything they wanted -- two million chocolate bars, or even a universe inside their pocket.

Head made himself as small as a child. But then he was much smaller than Zar and Zeb. So he told Zar and Zeb to make themselves children again too -- and to never grow up.

But even though Head was as small as a child, he was always the smartest person in our family.

The Very Brave Horse

By Zar, October 1996

 

There was a group of horses living in a humongous meadow. But cheetahs and lions and tigers escaped to that meadow, to kill animals like horses. One day, 46 cheetahs and one lion came to the meadow, and they were very hungry, hungry enough to eat all the horses. There were 200 horses and buffaloes and moose in the meadow.

The big cats killed 9 horses and 4 buffaloes and 8 moose. Then, one of each kind of animal got mad: one moose, one buffalo and one horse. The three brave animals charged at the great cats. There were only 4 cheetahs left, and none of the other kinds of cats -- all the others had left to go to where deer lived. The brave moose, buffalo and horse charged at the cheetahs that were left. Three of them died right away. One of the big cats only died when the three other animals charged at it two times.

But later, one of the other big cats, a lion who was very smart, came back because it couldn't find any food where it had gone to. It decided to just eat grass. It became friends with all the animals who lived in the meadow, but especially with the very brave horse. This horse could run faster than all the other animals.

And then a fire-breathing dragon came down from another universe. It breathed fire all over the meadow and the woods and started a huge forest fire. People started dumping water down from airplanes, and they made humongous rivers and holes; and when the trees fall in the rivers, they float and then they go into even bigger holes, and then they wash into another river, and then they wash up to land and make a really good place for a beaver.

 

 

 

The cheetah and the very brave horse jumped on one of the trees that was floating down the river, so they wouldn't get burned up in the fire. Then went down in a hole, and they were very scared. Then they came out of the hole into another river, and floated down that river for 90 hours. The river took them to Antarctica.

The fire-breathing dragon was in Antarctica too. It loves Antarctica -- when it goes there, it breathes balls of snow instead of balls of fire, and makes it so people freeze to death. But he decided to close off his snow-breathing place instead of its fire-breathing place, and use his fire-breathing place to kill the horse and the cheetah. He breathed so much fire that he melted half of Antarctica, but the horse and the cheetah went to the other half of Antarctica, and the dragon ran out of fire because the snowballs falling on him put out his fire, and made his fire-place full of snow, so now all he could do was shoot snow. He made a snowball gun out of his fire-place and shot snowball bullets at the horse and the cheetah. But the horse and the cheetah got inside one of the hollow snowballs that he shot, and then it was like a little boat for them, and they floated in the ocean, away from the dragon, and the dragon was trapped in Antarctica -- it couldn't fly because its wings were too cold.

The horse and the cheetah floated back to the meadow where they had come from. All the grass was growing back. The meadow was in the shape of a square, totally. And then they lived very happily after that, forever

Zar's Dragons

(told September 1996)

 

Part 1

 

There was a dragon named Googly Gaga. He loved eating little boys who were very skinny. But he didn't like eating one of them, who was his friend: Zar Gadalo.

At first Zar and Googly weren't friends. Googly said "I want some little boys to eat. I think I might eat Zar."

Zar said, "No, please don't eat me."

Googly said, "Okay, I won't eat you, if you'll always be my friend."

Zar said, "Okay. Can I please have a ride on your back?"

Googly said "Okay. You can have a ride." But after a couple of minutes the dragon decided to put Zar down, because he was getting tired, and he needed his energy to go look for more little boys to eat. 26,000 little boys is enough to fill one dragon up for one meal.

Zar said, "Don't eat me!"

"Okay, I'll never ever eat you. But I might talk about eating you when I'm not really going to."

Zar said, "Don't eat me!"

Googly said, "Why did you say that? I just told you I would never eat you."

"Because you were talking about eating me."

"I said I was never going to eat you -- why don't you believe me?"

Then another boy came up, a boy named Dan. Dan said, "Dragon, please don't eat me."

The dragon said, "I will just eat you up."

But then Zar said, "Don't eat him up. Let him be your friend."

The dragon said "Okay."

Zar said, "Why don't you eat grownups instead of little boys? And why don't you eat little girls? Grownups are bigger and have more meat. And little girls are way yummier than little boys. And you should eat tigers and cheetahs and leopards and mountain lions. Stuff like that, dragon!"

"Why I don't eat that stuff is because I used to eat that stuff, but some of them said 'Please don't eat me, why don't you just eat little boys'." But the dragon decided Zar was right, and he decided to go eat some of the other things again.

He carried the two boys, Zar and Dan, for 2000 miles. Then he got all the little boys he could find and put them on his back, and flew 40,000 of miles with 2000 little boys on his back. Zar and Dan were still on too, they were in the very front. If he saw a girl or a grownup, he would swoop down and eat them up. The kids told the dragon who their parents were, so the dragon wouldn't eat them. But the dragon did eat some of the boys' sisters.

Then the dragon landed in a very big place, where there was a big lake. All the kids decided to live there forever. The dragon made a big space for himself to live in, and all the kids made little houses around the dragon's space. There was a big waterfall by the lake, and the lake leads to the ocean -- the ocean was only a couple of minutes away. At the night you could hear the waves coming up on the beach. The dragon had lots of stuff to eat -- he ate the biggest fish he could find, and some other animals like snakes. The boys ate some of the food that the dragon caught, and caught some of their own fish to eat.

 

 

Part 2

 

One day, something very strange came to the place where they were living. It came out of the middle of the lake. A giant cheetah bigger than the dragon!

 

The cheetah tried to eat the dragon and to kill all the kids and the dragon and eat them for lunch. But it didn't get to do that, because all the kids figured out how to make machine guns and bazookas out of metal. They shot and shot the dragon, and the giant breathed fire on the dragon until it died. Then they ate the cheetah and it was enough food for the dragon and all the boys to eat for twenty days, sharing.

But then, a few days later, something even worse happened. Another giant cheetah came, and a giant coyote, and a giant bird called a crane -- and another giant beast called a Doggldldgrdlgrblehh. The Doggldrldgrdlgrblehh drank the whole lake so there was no water left in it. All the other beasts came and ate all the fish up, so the boys and the dragon didn't have any more food. Then the beasts killed the dragon for food. And then the boys got their machine guns and guns out, and they killed the coyote and the crane and the cheetah, but they couldn't kill the Doggldrldgrdlgrblehh, which had eaten the dragon. They hurt it though, so it couldn't eat them. They just kept hurting it more and more, every day, until finally they broke open its stomach and got the dragon out. After they got the dragon out, he was so thankful to the boys that he decided to take them somewhere very special -- to Dragon Universe, where dragon come from.

 

 

 

The boys all said "Yes! We all want to go!" -- except for the smartest boy, the one who had made the guns. His name was Dobblo. He said "We could get killed! What if all the dragons aren't as nice at this one!"

But the dragon said, "Yes, they'll be as nice as me."

Dobblo said. "But wait a minute. You're not that nice -- you ate a lot of little boys."

The dragon said, "Just don't mind. The other dragons don't eat little boys. They just eat beasts like those ones that we killed. Let's go to Dragon Universe. I came here in a very big spaceship; it flew twenty six thousand million miles. First you have to fly through a whirlpool that brings you back in time, back to before dinosaurs were around; then you go through a black hole into another universe, and then you get to Dragon Universe. The black hole spits you out there. And we won't run out of gas on the way, because there are 260,000 gas stations in outer space, along the way -- in the dragon universe. There are none in the people universe, but we have enough gas to get out of the people universe, through the whirlpool and into the black hole."

 

Part 3

 

The dragon gets the spaceship -- it's in that particular jungle that they're in -- and they all get in. When it blasts off it sets a lot of trees on fire -- if anyone had stayed behind they might have gotten killed. He said "My spaceship can go 1000 times faster than sound -- that's pretty fast!"

All the other dragons were pretty nice -- they could do whatever they wanted to, by magic. And they gave the kids a lot of magic, and gave the kids a very big house to live in, with thousands of bedrooms. Millions, billions, trillions of bedrooms!

Some kids got lost in the house -- their bedrooms were near the back -- they could almost never get out, so they nearly starved to death, but they never really starved to death because they could make food by magic if they tried very hard. It took some kids nearly a whole year to get out of the house -- the house was like a very big maze, that was almost as big as the world.

Zar and Dan were wandering around in the house one day, and they found a whirlpool and a black hole in the house, and they found out that soon the universe was going to blow up, because the black hole was starting to spin. So they decided to go into the black hole, and go to another universe. They got to a universe where there were hundreds of flowers all over -- a whole universe of flowers. And there were very strange people, who were only one inch tall, but who could do thing very fast -- like write a whole story like this one in only one second.

Then Zar and Dan went back into the black hole, and they jumped out in another planet, but they got back in and just zoomed down toward the middle of the black hole. They fell out on a planet where there were real people, but they got back in, and went back to the middle, and found a very big universe in the middle. They walked around a very long time in this universe and found themselves back in the big house by the black hole. The black hole wasn't spinning anymore, because one of the kids had stopped it from spinning -- and it disappeared one minute after they came out.

The kid who stopped it from spinning asked Zar and Dan where they had gone and they said "We went to a planet full of flowers and then we went to a planet where we saw regular people and then we went to the middle and walked in the universe in the middle and then we came right out."

The boy said, "Did you see anything interesting?"

"The planet we walked on was interesting. It had all kind of crazy plants on it. Like a blabbacarantasaurus -- that's a kind of dinosaur, the first kind of dinosaur there ever was. It was the first thing that was alive and moved around that ever moved on earth. It had warm blood and a really big stick and it nearly killed us with a big stick. But right when it was going to kill us we saw that there was a black hole just above us and went in."

When Zar and Dan went out of the house, they saw they weren't on the dinosaur planet anymore, they were on another planet with a giant house, even more beautiful than the last one. The kid who had let them out of the black hole said, "This is a universe you can never get out of. Any black hole you go into, you will get let out here."

Then he said, "Do you want some more magic, so you can make some more black holes, and go to other universes? Maybe if you do the right kind of magic you can get back to the universe you started from?"

Zar says "Yes, give me that." But he never learned to make as powerful black holes as the kid who gave him the magic.

How the Dinosaurs Got Underground

September 1996

One day there was a kind of dinosaur called a Digglo, and it was pretty nice, but it was a meat-eater, and one day it decided to eat all the other dinosaurs. So all the other dinosaurs tried to kill him, but they could never kill him, because he had 2 million other friends who were meat eaters.

Then the plant-eaters invented a big machine that was as big as a house, and they pushed all the meat-eaters in, one at a time. The meat-eaters got their heads sliced off inside the machine. A lot of the plant- eaters got killed while they were pushing the meat- eaters in; when they were done there was only one family of plant-eaters left.

When you pushed the meat-eater in the machine, it got chopped up while you were putting it in -- so if you put your hand in while you were putting it in, your hand might get chopped off. And there's a little thing along the side of the machine that moves the meat-eater along, and pushes the pieces out of the other side.

The one family of plant-eaters that was still alive decided to go live under the ground. They found out that many of the other meat-eaters and plant-eaters had also hidden under the ground! The meat-eaters and the plant-eaters were friends under the ground. The plant-eaters were smarter than the meat-eaters and helped the meat-eaters to survive. The meat-eaters ate a very strange kind of mammal that they found underground -- a giant monkey that was as big as two houses.

The giant monkeys killed most of the dinosaurs that lived underground. The plant-eaters tried to help the meat-eaters find places to hide, but the giant monkeys were very tricky and could never be hid from. The giant monkeys killed all the meat-eaters and they let the plant-eaters stay underground with them. Some of the plant-eaters got to be mean, and started to eat meat, and the giant monkeys killed them too.

The plant-eating dinosaurs and giant monkeys are still living now, but much deeper under the ground than anyone ever went. If we went down to where they live, the monkeys would kill us, because they would think we were going to be mean -- and if the monkeys think someone's going to be mean, they will kill them. People could dig that deep; they might do it someday, and then they will get killed.

A Cheetah Story

Cheetahs figured out how to make a poison that made them grow huge, so they were bigger than Earth. And their mouths were bigger than Earth too. And they ate the Earth. Mmmmm.

Then the cheetahs said "Rmmmmm Rmmmmm Rmmmm" and they ate planets. Any planets that they saw, they ate. "Rmmmmm." All the Martians had to go to Zar in his little spaceship. (Zar took off in little spaceship before the cheetahs ate the earth, and he put lots of guns on it.)

And the cheetahs said "Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmmm." But when they got close enough to Zar, he shot them with one of his guns, and they were dead. So Zar saved everyone from dying. And he made all the planets over again. But the water and oceans were in different places. On Earth, the bottom was only water, and the land was on top of the water. And there was a special place where people go to get water -- it was Australia, the country that you get water from. Australia was the country with the most water on the Earth.

But then what happened was, there was a terrible earthquake that shook Earth so much that it broke. Only parts of it broke off. It was the top of the Earth that broke up, not the part with water. So they fixed it and made the Earth very strong. They fixed it with concrete. The Earth was only concrete and wood on the outside, then. And hay in the middle of the concrete and wood.

One horse found the poisons the cheetahs made and drank it and he said "Mmmmmm Rmmmmm Rmmmm." The horse ate all the hay that was holding the Earth together. The hay held most of the concrete and wood together. Most of the Earth broke, but never the bottom. The bottom never broke. It was so strong that an earthquake could never get through it. So Australia and New Zealand and Antarctica were saved from any earthquake.

Then a very big earthquake shook Mars so that everyone fell all over. The planet Mars fell apart. Zar flew there in his spaceship and brought the Martians to Earth. What they did was to make a special part of Earth for Martians to live on. It was near the water part, in the part of Australia where Zar and Zebbie lived. Zar and Zebbie went to visit the Martians a lot.

They had a very big party with cakes, candies, and marshmallows, and cookies. And they were so happy.

Then the food came alive and tried to eat them. The cakes were the hungriest. They ate some of the Martian people. And they ate the table and chairs, so no one could have any more party because the food would eat them all. They never knew what to do to get away from the food. Then all the Martians figured out what to do. They decided, "We should get that special kind of poison. Then we will be huge and we can eat all that stuff without it hurting us." And they did that. And they were happy. And no more food ever came alive again. They were so happy that they made up a big song, and they danced all over the whole Earth, until they were very tired. And you could walk upside- down on Earth, and right-side up and sideways. They danced all around the whole Earth and had a great time.

Then one of them had an idea. We should make some money, to make us very rich. They made lots of money. They just made it by paper, and coloring. They had such fun making that money, and they were very rich, richer than anyone ever knew. No one ever knew how they got that rich. They really liked it.

They took some of the money and they bought another planet. They bought the ice planet. But there were lots of earthquakes on it, because the ice kept breaking. Some ice was so sharp it could cut you really keep, but that never happened, because they were too careful, and they put lots of metal all over the ice, so the ice couldn't hurt them. There was a special hole that they could go through the metal to get down into the ice planet part.

So they lived on both planets. They brought the ice planet and glued it onto Earth, and they lived on both planets, and they were very happy.

Universe Infinity

There were a billion cheetahs. They were very mean and ate crocodiles. But they hated having to swim. Because they couldn't just grab the crocodiles without going in the water. So they figured out to do something -- they figured out how to make a wooden trail across the water, that they went on. They dropped a net off the wooden trail, and the crocodiles swam into it, and then the cheetahs were very happy because they could have all the crocodile meat they wanted. They were so happy they had a cheetah party. There were so happy that they really liked it - - they loved and loved each other because they were so happy about the trap. Every day they went to see the trap and saw billions of crocodiles in it. The traps worked so well that the crocodiles were almost all gone. So they decided to eat other animals. They decided to eat people. And then kangaroosters, because there weren't enough people, and there weren't enough kangaroos, because lions ate most of the kangaroos. Then they decided to go back to eat the rest of the crocodiles -- there were still some left. And they were really happy until an earthquake killed most of the cheetahs and there was only the bravest and smartest one left, and it caught all the tasty animals that were left living and he ate them all. And he never died. And he was so happy that he was in Universe 2, because eating is in Universe 2.

Next, the cheetah and his tiger friend went off and started killing other animals. And they went to Universe 3. They really liked it there, because all the animals that they ate were still alive in the other universe. They went back to Earth and killed themselves, but they came back alive in Universe 4, and then they made themselves go to Universe 3, and then they killed all the animals and went back to Universe 5.

They really liked it there in Universe 5 but there was lightning that was very smart and could trick you. it made it look like it was going one way and then it went the other way, and came down and touched you and got your head when you thought you were going away from it. They hated this lightning because they kept getting tricked by it. So they killed themselves and went to another universe, that was Universe 86.

And they liked it in Universe 86, but they decided to make themselves go to Universe 189. But there were too many bad people in it. So then they went to Universe Infinity. And it was so special because it was the richest place in the whole Universes. It was the richest place there was. Because everyone was inside a little brick. And everyone was really a brick, that walked around and said "Hello, I will kill you." And they they jumped up on the other person and stomped them into a brick, and made them a brick person. So Universe Infinity was the richest place, but these mean people lived on it -- these brick people who jumped on you and made you into a brick.

Then a very big brick person jumped on them and broke them into pieces, and then they were in a Universe of a bigger infinity -- Aleph Thirty-Eight. And then that was the end of their life, because they got killed, and in that Universe if you got killed, you never came up in another Universe. Because that was the last Universe there was in the whole world.

But then -- all the magician Martians come to get them back. They come to visit in their little spaceship and make the cheetah and the tiger be alive on the Ice Planet. The ice planet has the baddest earthquake ever. The whole thing exploded in pieces, because a bomb dropped on it, and it burned until it turned into water. And they floated on the water back to Earth, and then they were very happy, because they were back on Earth.

Zar the Spider Eater

THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY NAMED ZAR. HE LIKED TO EAT SPIDERS. EVERYBODY TOLD HIM, "ZAR, DO NOT EAT SPIDERS. THEY MIGHT BITE YOU!" BUT THEY NEVER DID BITE HIM, BECAUSE HE ATE THEM SO FAST AND HIS TEETH WERE SO SHARP THAT THEY COULD BITE THROUGH A BONE.

ONE DAY ZAR DECIDED TO EAT CHEETAHS INSTEAD OF SPIDERS, BECAUSE SPIDERS DIDN'T HAVE ANY BONES. BUT THE CHEETAHS SOMETIMES BIT HIM AND CUT HIM, THOUGH NOT VERY BADLY. SO HE DECIDED CHEETAHS WERE TOO ROUGH FOR HIM TO EAT.

SO WHAT HE DECIDED TO EAT NEXT WAS MICE AND RATS. HE LIKED THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD CRUNCHY BONES. BUT THEY WERE TOO QUICK AT RUNNING INTO HIDING PLACES.

SO THEN WHAT HE DECIDED TO DO WAS TO MAKE TRAPS IN ALL THE HIDING PLACES, THAT WERE VERY DEEP DOWN SO THEY COULDN'T GET OUT. SO HE WENT DOWN IN THE TRAPS AND ATE SOME OF THE MICE AND RATS EVERY DAY.

THERE WERE SPECIAL STAIRS GOING INTO THE TRAPS AND UP THE TRAPS. THE RATS WOULD JUST FALL STRAIGHT DOWN THROUGH THE STEPS, BUT ZAR DIDN'T FALL THROUGH THEM. IF A RAT WENT UP ON A STEP, IT WOULD FALL DOWN IN IT, AND GET KILLED.

THEN SOME OF THE RATS FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE THEMSELVES POWERFUL ENOUGH TO GO UP ON THE STEPS. AND THEY DID. THEY MADE

IT SO ALL OF THE RATS AND MICE COULD GET UP ON THE STEPS TOO. AT FIRST THEY HAD TO TAKE SPECIAL MEDICINE TO GO UP ON THE STEPS, BUT THEN THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO IT WITHOUT ANY SPECIAL MEDICINE.

BUT THEN ZAR MADE A POWERFUL MEDICINE THAT HE COULD PUT IN HIS MOUTH WITHOUT KILLING HIMSELF, BUT IF HE PUT IT IN THE RATS MOUTHS, THEY WOULD DIE. THE RATS WOULD THINK IT WAS SOMETHING TO DRINK, SO THEY WOULD DRINK IT AND DIE. THE RATS COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THAT POISON MEDICINE AWAY. SO THEY ALL DIED AND ZAR ATE THEM ALL.

HE GOT A BIG BELLYACHE AND DECIDED TO GO BACK TO EATING SPIDERS, BECAUSE ALL OF THE OTHER ANIMALS WERE TOO HARD TO EAT.

Zar's on Mars

A little boy named Zar lived on Mars. He drove in his little spaceship and he went to the ice planet. He got trapped in an ice cave, and he saw some ice Martians, that lived on the ice planet. They were trapped in the cave and they couldn't get out. Only if they found a magic jewel could they get out. So they searched and searched but they never found the magic jewel. And then they found a diamond that was the magic jewel. And then, when they touched it, they were on the cave entrance and they were on ice. And they were ice skating.

In the summer it was water, everything on the whole planet was water. While they were ice skating, it changed to summer. One of the real Martians came from Mars and he fell straight into some ice-cold water. His part was the first part to melt. He popped up his head and said "It's starting to be summer, we'd better go." And they all went to another universe.

The magic diamond jewel they found took them to a new universe, that had a green sun. They couldn't see very well. Thirteen bad guys appeared, and Zar and the ice Martians and the one Martian from Mars got carried away to jail. And they didn't know what to do. But they found a knife in the jail, and they cut open everything that they were locked up with, so they could escaped. And then they killed the bad guys with the bad guys' guns. But one was hidden. He was the smartest and the powerfulest. He tried to shoot Zar and his friends but right when he shot they all made themselves go straight under the ground, and shot him, and he got killed. And then they were very happy, but they wanted some food. So they all went back, and Zar went back to Earth.

Then Zar stayed there for a little while, and they all lived there and never went back to those places ever again.

The Doll Story

This story is not just about dolls; it's really about dogs and dolls both.

A dog went out on the street and it saw a dragon. And then, the dragon ate the dog. And then the dog turned into fire, when the dragon ate it, and it came out of the dragon's butt and it was a ball of fire that walked across the street and burned people's cars.

No one knew why that dog had turned into fire. And then they figured out that the tricky, sneaky dragon did it. So they tried to kill the dragon, so that no more dogs or people would get killed by that dragon. But they couldn't, because they didn't know that the dragon was the sun that makes the light. It was so hot that when they stabbed it, it burnt all their swords.

So one of them said "I have an idea. When it's far away from us, it looks like a circle up in the sky. It looks like the sun." This was a scientist who figured this out. "But when it gets close, it starts to look like a dragon that you can kill. But when you stab your sword in its skin, there is so much light and heat that when you stab it, it burns your sword, so your sword can't kill anyone." The scientist figured out what to do. "Put suntan lotion on it so it will die." So the scientist flew up and put suntan lotion on it so it would die.

But then the dragon put hot oil on itself so it would get hotter, but it didn't work, so it died.

Then the scientist had to think very hard about how to make the sun come back. It's too hard for me to tell how the scientist did it.

The scientist figured out that a dragon had touched the sun and turned into the sun, and pushed the regular sun away. At first they never knew how to make the real sun come back.

And then this magic doll came to the scientist. They imagined the doll, and then it was a real doll. Then they imagined that it was magic, and it was there. And they said to the doll, "Will you make the sun come back?" And the doll did.

The sun went "Whishh!" back. And the doll went "Whissh!" The doll flew up in the sky -- it was a fairy. It pushed the sun back to its proper place and then it went "Whissh!" back to Mercury where all the fairies live.

And then all the people were very happy and the dog turned back into a real dog, and not fire anymore; and all the fire stuff went back to the sun. And the dragon was real again; it wasn't a fire dragon.

Chapter 2

The dragon flew to a new universe called Gowbarri. In this universe, there were lots of suns, because all these fairies touched the sun and turned into fairies. This is the universe where all the fairies on Mercury came from.

Then he went to a different part of the universe, where there were lots of dragons. The fairies were very scared to go to the dragons' part of the universe, because there was a lot of fire there. People used to live there, before the dragons had come there and made fire and burnt all the people and their buildings. There was a great fire. There was always a big great fire, because in that universe, if you started a fire, it would never go out.

People started out in that universe with the dragons. But then the people who didn't die all had to go to Earth because the dragons were burning them in their universe. But the people on Earth had lots of kids and so now there are as many people on Earth as there were before in the other universe.

All this is what the scientist figured out. Most of the scientists who went there to figure out the new universe died. And the one who were safe on earth died too, but just from oldness. The scientists had a lot to figure out.

Chapter 3

The little boy who owned the dog got very curious about these other universes, and he went to the scientist's office and he figured out a way to go to the other universe. So he went there, to the dragon part of the other universe.

He found that the dragons had gone away, because they knew that a person was going to come. Instead, all the people that were killed there before had come alive again. And they were very happy to see the little boy again, because he could bring them back to Earth.

So he brought them back to Earth. And then they were so happy, and they really loved it because they were on Earth again. The dragons never came back to Earth, but after a while, all the fairies decided to come back and live on Earth.

They came and lived with the little boy, in his room. They always acted like toys when his mommy and daddy came in, so his mommy and daddy didn't know they were really fairies.

Zar and Zebby and the Wolves

Zar and Zebby were living happily. And what happened one day was that there started to be terrible winds. And they didn't know what to do to get away from these winds. And then there was a terrible hurricane, all over, and it blew all the houses up, and all of them tumbled on top of each other. No one knew how this happened. Lots of people died, but Zar and Zebbie didn't. They figured out how to make a special machine to stop the hurricane. Their machine made everyone come back to life. Then they made a machine that made no hurricanes ever come again.

Then a bad earthquake came, and they stopped it with their machine straight away. No one would ever die again because of this special machine. The special machine makes people never die.

But then what happened -- something funny came and broke the machine. And then they made it powerfuler so it could stop anybody from breaking itself. Now, nothing ever could break anything or kill everyone.

But the Earth started to get too crowded because everyone was living forever. So they decided to let some people die. There were so many people, and they couldn't decide who they should let die, so they just let anyone die.

There were so many people drinking water that there got to be no water on Earth. So they decided to kill a lot more people than that. Until there were just as many as before, before they stopped people from getting killed. And then they were so happy, they had a happy party. And they were always so happy, that there were always the same amount of people. They had such a lovely time that they danced all over.

Then some wolves made everyone so small that they went inside of Zar's body. They went into Zar's head and they messed up his brain. They thought it was funny and made of toys. They played with his brain and made him think bad things and made him be mean. They made him walk all over and act like a robot, acting the wolves what to do.

The wolves told him to hunt for people. A few people weren't shrunk small. They said, "Zar, hunt for the people who are hiding from us, and aren't shrunk down small inside of you!" And Zar did. But they all had poison that made them have very sharp teeth, so Zar got hurt. But then Zar found the poison too and it made him have huge, very very sharp teeth, and he killed all of them and brought them back to the wolves. And then the wolves were very happy, because there were no more people except Zar.

But then there was an earthquake that killed nearly all the wolves and the foxes. The foxes and the wolves that were alive were so sad that they cried and cried. Some of them were so sad that they died. And then there were no more foxes, all the foxes that were left were so sad that they died. All the animals on earth were eaten by the wolves and other meat-eaters. The only animals that were left were wolves and bears and some fish and cheetahs and lions and tigers. There were only a few elephants - - only the bravest elephants, the very bravest ones that will never get killed.

One of the elephants that was the bravest, Zar killed, and brought it back for all the meat-eaters to eat. That was the biggest elephant.

But one day, there wasn't enough meat left for the meat-eaters to eat, so some of the meat-eaters started eating plants. And they started to like plants a lot.

Then Zar found an airplane that took him to Antarctica. He put on a special suit that kept him very warm. He brought the wolves to Antarctica and they ate all the penguins. When they ran out of penguins, they started eating snow and ice.

But the penguins that they ate were still inside of them, and they were still alive. The penguins made the meat-eaters and Zar be like penguins, so they didn't need to wear warm clothes. Then the penguins inside them died, but Zar and the meat-eaters were just like penguins.

Some polar bears were still alive, but they didn't know where the polar bears were. But then they found them, and they started killing all the polar bears and eating them. And then they were so happy; they really liked it.

Near the North Pole they found a cave that led them to another universe. There was one polar bear in the new universe. All the animals and plant-eaters that had gotten killed were over there, in the new universe. Everything that got killed and died showed up in the new universe. And they were very surprised about that, that if they died or got killed on this planet, they would come back on another planet. Then they went back to Earth, and decided to kill themselves, so they would come back alive on the other planet. If you die in the other universe, you just come back in a different universe.

And that's a good way to live, because you just get to go to funny universes. If you don't like where you are, you can just kill yourself to go somewhere else, to another universe, and it's very good.

Although one universe they killed themselves and went to, it was full of bad guys, and they killed the bad guys. The bad guys were police who belonged in that universe, and they didn't come up in other universes, when they died they just came up in that same universe. They didn't know how that happened.

They kept doing this until they were so happy that they cried and cried.

A Dinosaur Story

Told February 1996

Once upon a time, there was a small boy who had no name. He lived in the forest and he found a cave with another cave inside it. Really there were twenty-one caves inside of it. And the boy knew there were dinosaurs inside one of the cave. Other people had told him that, people who had found dinosaurs inside the cave and had run away.

And he found the dinosaurs. They were all Tyrannosaurus Rexes. And the little boy did not know what to do.

He ran into a cave that was full of light. The light was made by glow-bugs. The dinosaur peeked in but he was so scared by all the light in front of him, that he ran back. He got the others and they all dug under the ground to get the little boy, and they almost got him, but he ran out of the cave a different way, up at the top. He came out at the top of the mountain. The dinosaurs didn't know how he got out; they never knew how all the people were escaping.

Then the dinosaurs figured out where the top door was, and chased him up. But he got a bungy cord and he bungy-jumped straight down to the bottom and then he got dropped off onto the ground. The dinosaurs jumped off without any bungy cords and they all got killed when the landed, by a giant dragon. The dragon only let little boys go past, never dinosaurs.

The dragon sent the dead dinosaurs back to the cave, where they came alive again.

The boy really liked the dragon because it saved his life, and he asked the dragon to come home with him and see his family. The dinosaur wanted to go live on top of the mountain. The boy and his family went to live there with him, and they built a house there called Sky World. They called it that because it was so high it was up on top of the clouds. The dragon broke all the other kids' bungy cords so none of them could jump down to where the dinosaurs were.

Sometimes they called it Sky World, and sometimes Cloud World -- it doesn't matter what you call it.

Some clouds near Sky World are like trampolines, so you can bounce on them until you bounce up into space. But if they jumped on the wrong kind of cloud, you fell down to ground and turned into a pancake. And when you went out into space, space monsters might eat you up, and turn you into a pancake.

There were a lot of bad people on Earth, so it was much safer up on Sky World. None of the bad people ever knew how to find the entrance, so there were only good people in Sky World. The bad people tried to shoot up to get to Sky World, but then Sky World just kept moving up higher and higher, so high that the bad people's bullets couldn't reach them. So the bad people decided to go into the jungle and disappear.

After they got tired of the jungle, the bad people found the secret way to the top. So the good people jumped to another mountain that was even taller, a mountain on another planet. They made it into Space World.

And the bad people could never get to Space World because they couldn't jump that far because they couldn't find all the magic clouds that were trampolines. The dragon made all the clouds be regular clouds, so when the bad people tried to jump on them, they fell back down to Earth and were made into pancakes.

And that's the end.

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