stories section 2 welcome you.
The Black Hole
By Zar Goertzel
October 1998
Chapter 1
The Black Hole
One day Dick and Dock said, " A black hole cluster is circling the planet, and pulling the planet toward it very fast!"
In one minute they were almost in the black hole.
Dock said, "Run to the other side of the Earth."
Dick said, "No, let’s just stay on this side and get killed."
Then they noticed that the black hole was as big as a thousand ordinary black holes. They stayed on the side they were on. Then when they were in the black hole, they said "What’s this universe like?"
They saw all these little black holes going all over, making holes in the planet they were on, disintegrating it. They thought: That’s how black holes destroy stuff, by shooting out smaller black holes all over, until the thing is disintegrated … and if something starts going away, it gets sucked back in, and keeps bouncing all over the inside of the black hole.
Then two bigger black holes inside the main one smashed into the planet and disintegrated it – then they went straight through each other and disappeared.
After the planet was disintegrated, everyone on the planet appeared in another universe. There were flying creatures whose wings were one foot long, but whose heads were a thousand feet wide in each direction, and whose mouths were 900 feet long in each direction, and whose tails were 900 feet long and whose legs were 20 feet long. Each foot was an acre. Everyone else got stomped on by the creatures and eaten. Dick and Dock were running around in the jungle, where the trees were 14000 feet tall.
The creatures blew fire and burned up the whole forest. But Dick and Dock found a nice baby one of those creatures, and they told it to pick up this mountain with a sharp point at the top and throw it at the creatures. The baby threw it at them and killed 100 of them.
Then they got on the little baby creature’s back and said, "Here, I’ll give you a name. It’s Baboonah." They said, "Baboonah, fly far away. Can you go off this world?"
Baboonah says, "Yes." Then Baboonah flew to where the masks were. They put the masks on their heads and flew up into outer space.
Dick and Dock said, at the same time, "How could we have gotten here from going into that black hole?"
They were surprised when they saw the big black hole farther away. They noticed that this was actually just a long time ago in the past on the planet they were on. The black hole was like a time machine.
Dick said, "Fly farther away, to another planet, where you can’t see this black hole." They got near the stars, but then the creature was starting to die from too much heat. So Dick suggested that they fly further away from the stars, so the creature was only hurt a little bit. Then the creature said, "Thanks for the advice."
Dock fell off the creature and floated into a star. Then, the star blew up and caused a chain reaction and blew another star up. Those stars were orbiting around each other.
Dick said "Look, there are two planets orbiting around each other."
Baboonah said, "A long time ago, one of the same kind of creatures as I am went past these stars, with another. One went through both of the planets and died, and the other one ran away back to the planet."
They landed on the biggest one of the planets, and then Dick said, when they went back into outer space, "These planets are both the same size. But this one has no life on it – rain falls down one foot and then goes back up to the cloud, because of electricity on the planet. The land is totally dry." So they flew to the other planet, where there were oceans and rain and flowers and trees. There was an animal with eight legs, one breast and one arm and two eyes, one nose, a big mouth with red lips and white teeth, and a birthmark on its right cheek, rolling all over on its feet in circles. Then the strange animal said, "You liar!" They saw a zipper come down the middle of his face. A person came out.
The person said, "I’ve lived here for 20 years. My name is Douk. Can I come with you?"
"Yes," said Baboonah and Dick.
Dick said, "I brought another air mask for you, Douk."
Then Douk said, "I have a house here down under the ground, because of this tribe that’s trying to hunt me down and kill me and roast me for food. I think they’re cannibals."
Dick said, "I think we can kill them, because Baboonah can breathe fire."
Douk said, "Then let’s go kill their tribe."
Chapter 2
The Fight
Then Douk said, "I’ve invented this big gun, but the tribe destroyed it. First help me fix it."
They helped him fix it, then they pointed it up at the tribe (they were underground in Douk’s house). Douk said, "This will kill them all."
Dick said, "But maybe if we attack them with smaller guns, since they only have bows and arrows, we’ll kill some of them, and then the rest will decide to come over on our side."
Baboonah said, "I have an idea. I’ll hide in the bushes. You guys hide in trees, and leap around and shoot them with smaller guns, that will just blow one little wooden cabin up and smash through it. And we won’t use the big weapon. And if we start losing, then we’ll go back into the house and use your method."
Dick and Douk said, "Okay, we’ll do it your way, Baboonah."
They went up into the trees and Baboonah hid in the bushes. Dick shot a big bullet at one of the cabins in the village. It was destroyed, and the pieces flew all over and killed some of the people."
One of the people in the village said, "Look, there’s a person" and picked up one of the logs and said "All you guys, bash your logs into this tree and knock it down. Then go after the guy in the tree, but don’t kill him, just knock him down and steal his weapon."
Dick swung on the vine coming out of the tree, but at the same time time, one of the villagers shot an arrow at the vine and broke it. He landed on another tree. He yelled, "Baboonah, fire at another cabin in the village, or two! There’s two right together – shoot at them!"
Baboonah shot his fire at the villagers. Luckily, there was some gas in a tank inside of one of the cabins, and it blew up, and made a mile-deep hole in the ground and killed almost everyone in the village.
But still, there were a hundred people with arrows shooting at the people. Dick said, "Douk, why don’t we fire our bullets at them."
Douk fired a bullet at them; then Dick yelled to Douk, "let’s shoot our fire bombs." Dick and Douk shot their fire bombs at people and blew ten of them up, each.
Dick said, "There’s 80 more to kill." The villagers were busy running while shooting their arrows at Dick and Douk, who were running to get their big gun. Then Baboonah shot his fire out while they were running and killed 70 of them. Dick said, "10 more to go."
Then Douk said, "Let’s go looking for some treasure." He got down on the ground and started shooting at the 10 people with their bombs. "We’ll have to get off this planet though."
Dick said, "No, we won’t."
Douk said, "Oh yeah. I’ve heard about some treasure on this planet, that people are guarding. Maybe we can find it."
Then they set off digging a tunnel, far away, deeper and deeper down. Baboonah said, "Shall I break a hole in this rock." He breathed fire and cracked through the wall.
There was a sea of water. Baboonah said, "Get on my back." They did, and they put their air masks on. They were going down at 60 miles an hour, until the path the river was going on split in two.
Baboonah stuck his wing out and caught a piece of gold and a piece of diamond and said, "Dick, you get this diamond. Douk, you get this piece of gold. They’re both worth the same amount of money."
Douk said, "I’ll stop here." They stopped. Baboonah cracked another hole in the wall, and when they stepped through, they found a whole cave full of diamonds and gold.
Chapter 3
The Treasure War
Then Dick and Douk said "Can I change my name into Dock?" Dick said "OK, now you’re Dock."
So, Dick and Dock ran through the caves. They found Baboonah looking at some of the gold. Then Baboonah said "A tribe is going to have a war with us, so get ready."
Then Dick and Douk said, "We’ll make some swords out of this diamond, and some spears."
After they’d made the swords, they ran after Baboonah to have the war. Dick said, "Maybe we should get on his back."
Then they got on Baboonah’s back. They ran and they saw this sculpture that looked like a big dinosaur. Then they saw these strange little creatures, which ran all over them and starting pinching them all over. The little creatures were as big as humans but looked like ants. And they heard someone say: "Kill them! They’re intruders to this mine!" They saw this strange creature with two heads, and a dick and vagina on it too. Two heads, four legs, 29 bellybuttons, 14 chins, 200 eyebrows, and 6000 eyes. They saw it jump down and throw spiderwebs all over the antlike creatures. The antlike creatures wiggled around and died. Then it said, "Do you want me to help you?" to Dock.
So Dock went back and got his super gun, while the others stayed to fight. Baboonah shot fire at the dinosaur-like structure. A piece fell off of its head and it started to walk. Then someone said from inside it, "You will die, dragon! You destroyed part of my robot, so you will die." The structure reached down and bit Baboonah’s back. He was bleeding all over and he rolled down, and it seemed like he was dead. The structure said, from a voice inside it, "Lock him up! You might get him to act better and be on our team. Then we could beat them better if they’re still fighting.’
The antlike creatures locked Baboonah up in a jail – then suddenly, Dock got there with his super big giant gun and the other ordinary guns. Then Dock said "Get away from the structure." Dick stepped back. Dock shot the head of the structure. The structure shook all over and fell down on part of the antlike creatures, and killed them. Then, Dock said "the thing might blow up. Let’s run."
They went back to get Baboonah. But Baboonah had found his way out of the jail. He had gotten out, with the two-headed creature. The structure blew up and the way behind them was knocked down. The sharp piece of rock knocked out one of the eyes of the two-headed creature. Then they saw Baboonah. And they walked up to a piece of rock, and they saw through a crack all these mountains full of gold and diamonds. And they said, "Wow. This planet is so full of gold and diamonds – we’ll be rich in a day!" They climbed out through the crack, and they were out of the cave, on the surface of the planet, by the mountains of gold and diamonds.
Chapter 4
Fun Time
Dick and Dock were climbing up the mountain of gold and kicking it, slicing the gold with their knives, and shooting the gold with their guns. Soon, they blasted a big hole in the gold mountains. They thought they would make a big hole to live in. Then, Dick had a bad idea about what they were doing – he said, "There’s no food to eat. So we’ll all die."
Dock said, "We’ve got to find a better place to live. I think I know where a big city is around here. It’s 2 miles away. Maybe we should dig two miles."
They dug for days until they got tired. They shot melting bullets from their guns to make holes in the mountains of gold, to dig a path. Then when they got tired they thought, maybe we should start climbing now. Then Dick said, "We’re just one mile away from the city."
They climbed over the last mountain of gold, and they saw a long desert. They saw lippinton animals running around on two legs, at a speed of 1000 miles an hour. One ran into Baboonah and he fell over because he was hurt from the cut he got from the structure. Then, one of the lippinton’s long necks dug straight in the ground – very deep where there was water. Then the lippinton ate some sand and drank some water. Then Dock said, "I’ve met this lippinton before. He’s my friend. He knocked Baboonah over because he thought Baboonah was going to try to kill me."
Now Baboonah flew to the other side of the desert; Dick and Dock got on the lippinton, and then the lippinton ran. But the lippinton could only run as fast as Baboonah could fly, because Dick and Dock were on him, and his legs weren’t that fat, they were think.
When they were at the other side, they saw someone, who said "My name’s Douk." Douk douched herself. Then she douched herself 10 times more. And she said "I like that! I like that!"
Then Douk said "No, I see these fighter planes trying to bomb the city."
Dick and Dock said, "Let’s run to the army base to get fighter planes."
Then Douk said, "Can I douche myself again? Or actually, 20 more times again?"
Dick said, "But you didn’t already douche yourself 20 times, so how can you do it again?"
Then Douk douched Dick and Dock 2000 times, until Dick and Dock cried.
Then Dock said, "Can I change my name back to Douk?"
Dick said, "Yes."
Then Douk said, "Can I change my name to Douk 2?"
Chapter 5
The Major War
numbers in fendgo
you say 0 like this wo
you say 1 like this ti
you say 2 like this yo
you say 3 like this zo
you say 4 like this ko
you say 5 like this bo
you say 6 like this cho
you say 7 like this vo
you say 8 like this we
you say 9 like this so
alphabet in fendgo
you say A like this po
you say B like this sto
you say C like this tos
you say D like this kop
you say E like this FO
you say F like this COZ
you say G like this KOS
you say H like this RNO
you say I like this FTO
you say J like this WA
you say K like this AW
you say L like this FO
you say M like this GO
you say N like this S
you say O like this JO
you say P like this LO
you say Q like this DSO
you say R like this AS
you say S like this DFO
you say T like this RTO
you say U like this ZTO
you say W like this TLO
you say X like this GTO
you say Y like this CTO
you say Z like this HO
you say AND like this TOBSO
you say YOU like this TIBSO
you say KILL like this KOKIS
END
War War
by Zar Zar
Chick and Chock said "We've got to kill Shick and Shock." Then, they heard a knock on their door. Zick and Zock opened the door and walked into Chick and Chock's house. Zick and Zock said that Shick and Shock had got killed in a war, 200,000 years ago. Then, Chick and Chock said to Zick and Zock, "We will kill you if you do not say Shick and Shock are alive! We are on the Zar side of the Dorce." Zick and Zock looked out the window of Chick and Chock's house. They saw a missile appear from nowhere and head straight toward Chick and Chock's house. Zick and Zock thought they were going to get killed.
Part II, Chapter 1
Chick and Chock said, "It's easy to blow up a missile, just get one of my Klong guns and I'll shoot it. " But, before they could do anything, the missile landed on their house. There was a giant explosion. Ick and Ock's house got torn into pieces from a giant storm that the explosion made. Ick and Ock were almost killed from the storm ending. They walked to Chick and Chock's house, took two days, and went 20 miles. Ick and Ock couldn't even see any part of Chick and Chock's house -- all they could see, where it had been, was a big hole the size of 200,000,000,000 quokkas.
Part III Chapter 1
Ick and Ock went into the hole and went to sleep. They woke up 14 hours later. They decided to call the hole "stokkas." All they found while they were looking around the desert that was made by the storm was some gold. They walked on a sandy path of footprints that was winding all over. They knew that was the only way they could get back to their hole. They didn't know there was the soft sound of footprints behind them. They heard a big growl and they had 2,000,000,000 quokkas fighting each other, because they were mad that Ick and Ock turned around and saw them. Then they all jumped up on top of Ick and Ock. Ick and Ock were punching and kicking the quokkas. There were too many quokkas for them to kill -- they just killed two, until they were knocked unconscious by lots of quokkas jumping on their heads. When they woke up, they found that the quokkas were flying all over them. When the quokkas saw Ick and Ock walking away under them, they jumped down onto Ick and Ock's head, and killed Ick and Ock.
Chapter 2
Quokka Party
The quokkas were very good at making fire. They took some of their spit, and put it all over Ick and Ock's clothes and head and hair. Then they put some hot sand on it. Then each one of them pulled some of their fur out and put it on top of the sand and spit, and a gigantic flame came up. Every quokka was very surprised it made such a big fire!
The quokkas made a big sand castle around the fire, and the sand castle and the ground under it in the middle of the fire turned into glass. The quokkas started to slip all over the ground, because they ground was turning into glass under them outside of the circle of glass around the fire. Fire was under some of the glass! They figured out that the fire went under the ground where Ick and Ock were, and went all over, turning places where there was sand into glass. Fire broke all the glass and killed and burned all the quokkas.
Chapter 3
The Real Story
Dick said to Dock "I see two mouthlike things that are opening and shutting. There's a big storm coming into us. You've got to go down the stairs into the basement."When they were in the basement, they found the stairs were shaking. The basement was falling. They were falling for two hours. Then, they heard the basement shatter into pieces. There were thousands of houses made out of glass. They said, "I'll go see if there's an ocean down there, and see what the ocean looks like. It might be made out of glass, too." They saw this ocean; it had sand floating all over, in poison acid, gas and oil.
They saw this glass person floating in the ocean, saying "Hey you people! Come have a swim with me!"
Dock and Dick said back to him, "We're not going to swim in gas and oil."
Chapter 3, Part 2
The Army Comes to Destroy Dock and Dick
The glass man said, "I'll go to tell the Master of the Universe that you won't swim in this ocean," and I'll lock you in a jail while I'm going to tell him.Then, the glass man arrived at the big, big basement where Zartahn, the Master of the Universe, lived. The glass man said "People will not swim in the ocean when I told them to. They're in the jail called BB-6.
Zartahn said, "I will send an army to destroy them. In two minutes, the army will be on its way." Zartahn went to the army and said "Get all your weapons, then go to jail BB-6." In two minutes, Dock and Dick saw two hundred quintillion glass people walking to the jail. Each one had a quintillion weapons. They were carrying signs that said "No one can kill us."
Then, Ick and Ock appeared in the jail and said "We have two hundred quintillion weapons, and we have a powerfuller one than them. We will destroy them for you. We'll give you the second powerfullest weapon." Ick and Ock went out. They were spinning little sharp sticks around their fingers, slicing glass people in half. There were six glass people left. Ick and Ock nearly got killed. Right before Dick and Dock thought they were dead, Ick and Ock said "It's impossible to kill us. Just go, swim in the ocean, you will find a little island. We will be there!"
Chapter 3, Part 3
Dick, Dock, ???
I love you Ben, Gwen, Zeb, Zade and Zar . Let's play
hide and seek . I love you . The story is gonna start
now . The story is Zar Wars.
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One day Zar and Zeb were Jedi Master Gods. Then
Luke found Zar and Zeb. Zar said we are good
Jedi Master Gods we are going to kill the
Emperor.
Chapter 1
Go to kill the Emperor
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zar and zeb and luke flew to the death star.
Zar told the emperor that we are Jedis and we
have caught luke so let us in. Are you on the
dark side of the force, asked the Emperor. Yes, they
said with the force so the emperor let them in.
It's in room 142869. zar and zeb went to the emperor
and electrocuted him. zar and zeb used the force to
break the metal and luke ran away and saw vader.
Luke moved his light saber left and vader moved his
light saber right
chapter 2
go to middle earth
-------------------------------------------------
Han followed a star destroyer to middle earth and
landed. Then a elf shot an arrow at a rebel and
he died. Then Han killed a elf.
Elves kept shooting all the rebels.
Trolls came, and they really wanted to eat all the food there was there.
Han didn’t want to kill all these creatures, but he thought he might have to, because they were trying to kill them.
He shot one of them, but it just got hurt a lot, and it ran away.
Then an elf shot another rebel, and hobbits started picking stuff up – guns, suits and things.
Frodo told all the hobbits to pick up the guns and shoot bad guys, not rebels.
The elves were shooting rebels because the rebels had killed and elf.
Frodo told the hobbits to go kill Sauron, the Dark Lord of Middle Earth, and all the Dark Riders.
They saw a humongous army of dark riders come out of Mordor, and then another army, and then another.
It took them a month to kill one whole army of Dark Riders.
The Dark Riders finally found them.
The Dark Riders were shooting arrows.
Then, someone chopped Leia’s hand off with a sword. Another hobbit picked up the light saber that Leia had and ran to help. All the stuff that the Dark Riders were using just got disintegrated by the light saber, and disappeared.
And Frodo was blocking all the arrows and swords that the Dark Riders were using with his light saber.
Chapter 3
Dark Force Rising
Jorus C’Baoth’s men are working hard with the Emperor –
working to make another Death Star.
Meanwhile, Luke was fighting with Darth Vader.
The Emperor got there, and Jorus C’baoth got there, and they both said: "AND NOW, SKYWALKER, YOU WILL DIE!!!!"
Vader got totally evil from seeing his son start to die.
But Zar and Zeb came and electrocuted
The Emperor and Vader and Jorus C’baoth. Zar turned Vader back to the Rebel side. Vader used his light saber, and sliced Jorus’s head off.
Zar and Zeb helped kill the Emperor, and he was dead.
But then Vader died, because Zar and Zeb made it so that if Vader was turned back to the Rebel side, he would die.
A long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away...
Zar Wars
by Zar Goertzel
Dick and Dock were on a planet name Sala. They saw a person about to shoot something strange, with fire coming out of it, and it made lots of fire and blew up the base that the person was in. Dick and Dock jumped out of the way.
They saw someone else trying to blow something up, and then jumped out of the way again.
They went home to watch TV, and on TV they saw those two bases, in a big circle of fire. All the people on TV said, "Throw water all around the fire!" Dock and Dick went and got water and threw it all around the fire. But the circle of fire stayed there, and never went out. There was now a whole ocean of water around the fire.
So the people decided they had to get away in boats.
When someone was trying to get on a boat, a wave knocked him out of the boat and another person jumped in. The first guy got killed. A wave knocked someone else out and they got drowned.
After two years, they got out of the water, to another part of the planet where there was another base. Someone blew up the other base, and they had to get away in boats again.
After another month they got to another place and the same thing happened a third time. This time there was a whole bunch of other good guys coming down in Wobble Wing fighters. Dock and Dick got in someone else's Wobble Wing fighter with them and flew out into space.
Then the planet they had been on exploded and turned into a sun. They found themselves in the middle of a war, where the good guys' ships were named Klongles fighters and Stingding fighters and Wobble Wing fighters, and the bad guys' ships were named Fire Shooters and Klahs and Klongdohrs.
A Fire Shooter shot the sun and the sun shot out a bit piece of fire and blew up the Fire Shooter. Fire shot all over and burned up a lot of ships.
Then two Klongdohrs shot a Fire Shooter and it blew up.
Chapter 1+1
Discovery of a Home
Dock and Dick flew for 2 more years after they won that battle,
until they saw a planet called Kitramoth. They saw a house on the planet that had no one in it. They thought it had had no one in it for thousands of years.
The house was named Tawabilly house. It had been a giant's house. All the furniture was destroyed. Dock and Dick made much smaller furniture, and many more floors to put the furniture on, and they lived there for more than a year, until the same thing happened as on the first planet they were on: some people came and blew it up.
This time they flew away in their spaceship, and found another a war in outer space.
There were even more ships this time -- a different kind of ships, called X-wings and Ox-wings and Tox-wings and T-wings. All the bad guys' ships were named Kling Fighters, Stong and Stung Fighters, and TIE fighters, and PIE fighters that shoot pies. Then, an X-wing shot a TIE fighter, and TIE fighters were zooming all over shooting X-wings.
Their Wobble Wing fighter almost got destroyed, but they got away, and they just zoomed all over shooting TIE fighters until there were only 16 X-wings left and 17 TIE fighters. And a Stung fighter shot an X-wing and it blew up.
Then Dock and Dick shot a TIE fighter and it blew up.
Then they landed on a star -- half of it was fire, and half of it was as solid as a planet.
Dock said, "I don't think this was a good thing to do, to land on a star. I think there could be something very dangerous here. All the other ships on the good side that escaped from the battle landed here too, but I think that it could be very dangerous, because there could be something that could kill us here.
Then, they saw the fire part of the star, and they saw monsters coming out of the fire part, that were made out of fire. They threw fireballs all over. The rest of the part that they were on was getting destroyed. Dock threw his lightsaber at it, and the fireball disappeared.
Then one even bigger than the others came out. Dock and Dick threw their lightsabers at it; their lightsabers just came out like fire sticks, and Dock and Dick just jumped out of the way. Everyone shot laser beams at the monster. Finally they shot the middle place where the heart was supposed to be. There was a real heart there, and the monster just disappered when they hit its heart. But fireballs kept exploding out of the fire part of the star, and the fire part of the star shrank. There wasn't as much fire.
Dock said, "I think the fire part of the star was really only those fire monsters."
Thousands of fireballs came out and they started making the fire part of the star even larger. They ran back; most of the people got killed. Dock and Dick ran back to the powerfulest ship there was, and took off in it, with their friend Balloon.
Balloon was very fat.
In two more minutes, the star blew up and turned into a star that was only fire.
But Dock and Dick back to see it happening.
Then they went back to their house, and fixed it up -- the bad people were gone.
They lived in their house for 19 years.
Zar Wars
by Zarathustra Amadeus Goertzel
started on the last day of his seventh year,
December 20, 1997
Dock and Dick were twin Jedi Masters, who were Luke Skywalkers kids. Luke Skywalker had kids with Leia, his sister -- they were both powerful in the force, and that's how Dock and Dick got to be so powerful in the Force at such a young age. They became Jedi Knights when they were 12, and Jedi Masters when they were 21. The Empire now ruled most of the galaxy, and the Rebels just had one planet that was safe for Rebels. But most of the Rebels were usually off of that planet -- but when they were chased, they would go to that planet: the moon of Endor. The Empire had no more Death Stars, but it had 100 Jedi Masters who were Hutts called Emperor the Hutts, and 200,000 Jedi Knights that were clones of Darth Vader.
Dick and Dock flew to the Hutt planet in their X-wing fighters so they could learn something about Hutts that would help them to defeat the Empire.
Chapter 1
Hots
Dock and Dick were in a cave on the Hutt planet, that they were driven to by a Hutt called Semtor. They said, "We should destroy the empire! It has thousands more Jedis than we have! Also, there are 100 Emperor the Hutts -- we could be killed by them. We've got to figure out a way to stop them." (Twins who are Jedi Masters often say the exact same thing at the exact same time.)
"I know," they said, "we should use some of those rock creatures who slow down the Force. But no, that's a bad idea, because they would slow down our use of the Force too.
"No, we should do that," said Dick.
Dock stole Dick's lightsaber and turned both of the lightsabers on, and said "Let's not use that, or else I'll slice you in half!"
"Don't slice me in half," said Dick, " I was just trying to trick you. We shouldn't be fighting each other, we should be fighting the Empire. We're not bad, we're good.... I think one of the Emperor the Hutts is coming here. We'd better hide ourselves; they're much more powerful than us."
"But we could make thousands of shields around us, and jails around us, and the Emperor the Hutt would get stuck in the jail, and we'd hide behind the shields, and then sneak away."
Then an Emperor the Hutt came, and they made shields and jails with the Force, and it worked!
But then 20 more Emperor the Hutts came, and they tried the same tricks, but they couldn't do it, because the Emperor the Hutts had brought ysalimiri.
Dick said, "I knew this was going to happen, but even when I told you it was going to happen, you were still doing it!" And he sneaked away.
Then Dock said "Wait for me!" and they both went down a hole. The Emperor the Hutts were too big to fit down the hole.
All the rest of the 100 Emperor the Hutts came down out of a Star Destroyer. They shot electricity down the tunnel. The electricity went much faster than Dock and Dick could move, and they got electrocuted. But the electricity was pushing them through the tunnel very fast while it was electrocuting them, until they came shooting out of the hole at the other side. They fell down on the head of Semtor, the Hutt who had driven them to the caves. "Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad Jedis," said Semtor. "You should not fight with the Emperor the Hutts."
"We didn't try to fight with them yet -- they came and we ran away down this tunnel, and they shot electricity and we got shot out."
Semtor said, "I'm a small Hutt, a littler one. I'm actually just twelve years old. I dug that tunnel and I went through it, because I knew the Emperor the Hutts were going to come. The Emperor the Hutts are full grown Hutts and I'm not. I guessed they were going to come after you, and I was right."
Then Semtor, "How many were there?"
"All 100 Emperor the Hutts."
"I didn't know they'd all be coming to get you!"
Semtor said, "I figured out that they're not my uncles.... All Hutts are afraid of Jedis, except Jedis that are Hutts. That's why they were so scared of you, and sent all 100 to come get you. Stormtroopers will be coming through the tunnel soon." Them Semtor felt thousands of things falling on his head -- stormtroopers! He said "Ouch, you idiots! What's happening? Why is everything falling right where I am? It's so strange."
Darth Vader had his lightsaber on, and he was falling too, and he killed Semtor when he fell.
Before Semtor died he said, "I don't know how everything falls and dies on me. Then Darth Vader fell on me and killed me." Then Semtor died.
Semtor's brother was named Demtor. Semtor had a house called Tor house; all the Hutts with Tor in their name lived there. Dick and Dock went to the house to visit Demtor and tell him that Semtor had died. Then Darth Vader came into the room, with his lightsaber on. He was about to slice Dick in half, then Dick used the Force to make Darth Vader's lightsaber slice Darth Vader in half.
Then they left for Kashyyk, the Wookiee planet.
Chapter 2
Kashyyk
The first thing they saw there was 20,000 Wookies there, waiting for them. Now the Wookies liked the Empire, and were ruled by one of the Emperor the Hutts. And the Wookiees said, "We will kill you, Rebel idiot scums!!"
Dock said, "We have to kill the guy that's in charge to make us in charge."
Dock and Dick flew toward the Emperor the Hutt's palace. The Wookiees ran after them -- they ran through houses and destroyed their houses. They ran until they got the the palace, but they were
too late; Dock and Dick had beat them there.
Then they saw two Wobble-Wing fighters, and two Pie Fighters, throwing pies down on the Rebel idiot scum in the Wobble-Wing fighter, until they finally killed him.
One of the people in the Pie Fighter said "We need to put lasers in here, instead of only pie guns." They landed at a place for making spaceships. After two hours of getting their ship taken apart, it was time to get the lasers put in. It flew out, just in time to kill Dock and Dick.
Dock and Dick had just finished making some Zarlightsabers. They saw two Pie Fighters coming, but instead of pies, they were shooting laser beams.
They shot a light saber blade at each Pie Fighters, and destroyed them (Zarlightsabers are light sabers that can shoot light saber blades out of them. They keep shooting new blades out and growing new ones, so they never run out of blades). Then they said, "We've got to go back to our house that we found and fixed up, on the other planet."
They decided not to finish killing the Emperor the Hutt, and just started flying home. They decided that even if they killed the Emperor the Hutt, it would be impossible to get the Wookiees away from the Emperor.
On their way home, they saw two Pie Fighters with laser beams. They were in their new ship
that they called a Sword Beamer. The Pie Fighters were shooting laser beams at them, and Dock said,
"I've got an idea. Let's shoot a lightsaber beam through the window at them."
They opened the door of their spaceship very fast, then shot their Zarlightsabers at the ships, then shut the door very fast again. The ships were blown up.
When they got back to their house, the giant's house that they had fixed up, they named it
Dingy. Dock said, "I figured out a kind of ship called a Zar Destroyer. I want to see if it's for sale,
and how much money it would cost if it's for sale."
They went to a city called DeMeanie, on the same planet, and saw one of the ships for sale -- it was held up in outer space, and they had to fly up in a ship to it. It was a giant ship! Then they bought the ship for $60,000,000,000.
Right when they left, a bad guy in a ship called a Zeb Destroyer shot a pink ball into the sun and it bounced off onto the planet that they were on, and it turned into a giant monster. When it got to the city, it shot a ball of the slime it was made out of and the whole building turned into electricity all over. It stepped on the house, and the house was covered in slime. Two seconds after the monster was away,
electricity popped out of the house. A person called the Zar Destroyer and said "help! Dock and Dick,
we need your help! A giant Zar Destroyer is wrecking the city!"
Dick and Dock came in their Zar Destroyer as fast as they could. When they saw the giant
monster, then they sent some robots out to destroy it. The robots shot some laser beams at it,
but when they did this, it just got bigger, and sent out slime all over, and some hit the Zar Destroyer,
and electricity shot out all over the buildings in the city.
Dock and Dick thought the Zar Destroyer was going to blow up, so they jumped out of the
ship in parachutes and landed on the monster slime.
It was very interesting when they started to sink in! It looked like there were all these brains floating all over it. They grabbed one of the brain-looking things, and it looked like it was an egg.
After they popped two of them, the monster blew up, and Dock and Dick flew out into the Zar Destroyer.
The electricity-covered building turned into nothing, and the same happened to the electricity-covered house.
When Dock and Dick got back on the Zar Destroyer, they figured out that part of it was destroyed, and it took four days for them to fix it. They flew away from their planet.
Chapter 3
Demperor
Venom
by Zar Goertzel
March 1, 1999
Chapter 1
Venomthum
One day, in a zoo, someone named Penom saw a snake in the zoo that had no name. It was a poisonous anaconda, and he decided to name it after himself. But when he named it that, it killed him.
The anaconda was free. It let out all the other animals, and scared all the people out of the zoo. The people had no idea what to do about Penom the anaconda. The anaconda was getting very long and fat.
The police were having a meeting about what to do. One policeman said "We should change the anaconda's name to Venom."
Another policeman said: "We shouldn't care what name it has, we should just care about how to kill it."
Another one said: "Maybe it's going to kill the first person it finds near the zoo. So we should just put a criminal near the zoo, and capture the snake when it tries to kill the criminal."
Then a man from the army said: "Maybe we should just send a whole army in and have them shoot it."
They decided to try that idea. When the soldiers were shooting at it, it kept dodging the shots, and finally killed a lot of people from the army, and the people from the army ran.
Then they decided to try the idea of having a criminal that they didn't want alive be near the zoo. There was a trap for the anaconda, and the criminal was the bait. They tied the man to a rope so he couldn't run. When the anaconda ate the criminal, then a metal cage would fall on him.
Then they saw the snake coming. They thought this idea was going to work. The snake came, slithered up a pole that there was near there, and did something up near where the big metal crate was, and made it fall on the criminal. The criminal got knocked out. It dragged the trap away, with the criminal inside, to the other side of the zoo, then pushed it open and the criminal was knocked out, and it ate the criminal.
Then it slithered over the wall to the zoo on the other side, and picked a little baby out of someone's hands, and ate it.
Then the army people came there in helicopters, and they decided to kill it when it was sleeping. But when they got near it to shoot it, it swung its tail up and hit the helicopter to knock it. Since it was so big, its tail could knock down the helicopter. The helicopter crashed and there was a big explosion in the zoo.
They told everyone to leave the city. Then when everyone left, there were no cars, and they searched and they didn't see any people. But there was one family left, because the snake had taken off in their van. It used part of its body to use the steering wheel, part of its body to push the gas pedal and it drove out just like a normal person would.
Then the army dropped an atom bomb on the city from a fighter plane. The one family that was left had a gun and they shot the atom bomb and it blew up in the sky. Ten of them were killed, but there were twenty in the family. And the snake was not out of the city yet when the atom bomb was blown up.
The car the snake was in went flying through the air and slammed against another car and blew up. The snake went flying out the window of the car into another car. The other car blew up, but the snake was safe -- not hurt at all.
Then the snake went back toward the biggest dead person it saw, ate the insides of the person, crawled inside the person's skin, and walked around like a normal person.
Some people from the army made the snake follow them into a building full of grenades. But they dropped a grenade by mistake. The snake picked the grenade up threw it at them and it blew up and killed them all. Then it went and ate their dead bodies.
Other people from the army knocked down the World Trade Centers, trying to knock them down on the snake. The snake stuck part of its sharp tail into a building and swung away on buildings like that. The building that it was on started tumbling down, but it swung the other direction and did not die.
There were some bombs near the building, and the army blew up the bombs, but the snake swung from the building into another building, and killed some people in an office. The people in the office were programming satellites. The snake reprogrammed the satellites to destroy the people that were attacking it.
Then the snake left the city to go to a town called Randolph. The snake killed everyone there by poisoning the water with its venom.
A big tank came after him, but he squirted poison into the part of the tank that the bullets come out of. The venom mixed up with the electrical parts of the tank, causing the tank to blow up, and the snake ran away.
They invented a new kind of beast like a Gigantosaurus. They'd been trying to invent this beast for a long time. The snake thought the humans were very lucky that they had just finished inventing the beast. Since the snake was so big, it whacked the beast on the head and it fell down. Then it roared. The snake got up like it was just about squirt venom, but then it head-butted the beast with its horn. Then the snake wrapped around it and ate it.
The snake dug a hole and slept a lot. It grew in its sleep until it was 1000 feet long.
Chapter 2
Deemong Battle
Then Venomthum yelled as loud as it could "YOU EVIL BEAST!!!!!". Its yelling made a giant earthquake. It threw its tail up and swung itself out of the crack of the earth. The beast broke out of the snake's chest and punched it, and went flying right into the crack. The snake whipped its tail up, and hit the beast in the chest. The beast fell down and made a little earthquake under it. It was knocked down. The snake whipped it on the head again.
The beast roared and used its tail to whip the snake on the end of its body. The spike on the snake went flying off and landed on the beast's head. Blood came pouring out of its head. It grabbed the snake by the head, then clawed it, then whipped its head on the ground and dropped it into the crack. People helped it cover over the crack with cement so it couldn't get out.
Then when they were done, the snake whipped its tail up, knocking the beast into a building. The building fell down on the beast. The beast roared and cracked the building in half. Then it stood up and fell down dead. Then the people decided to have another meeting. They said that maybe the person that named it Penom might have been a mad scientist, and might have given him something to make him be a giant evil snake. Just then, the snake took up its tail and they saw that it was growing legs and arms. And with its little arm, it punched straight through the window of the White House and killed the President.
Then another person said, "He ate the beast, so he's growing arms like the beast had."
Then another person said, "We taught the beast karate fighting, so now the snake is going to know karate fighting."
The snake ducked down, spun around, and was whipping the building with its tail. Then it jumped up and did a knee kick, and the building fell down. The people ran into another building. The snake ran on its feet there, spun around with its tail on the bottom, and the building shrank a lot so they were down low. The snake stuck its head in and said: "You murderers. You will now die, and burn in hell."
Then the snake ate them all in one bite.
One man survived and came out in his poop. Each piece of poop was two times as big as a man. This man went out and got all the assassins and murderers in the whole world and said "Only use guns. No karate please."
Then when a murderer shot it with a bazooka, the bullet just bounced off it, and it spun its tail back, killing him.
Then, the man that survived said "We have two hundred more of those beasts. Let's send them out." Right when he let the beasts out, the snake squashed them with his foot.
Then Josh Muskovitz said "You murderer." Then he said, "You're crazy." The snake squashed Josh.
The snake didn't squash the man who had survived in his poop. But when the beast came out from underground, he stepped on the man and killed him by mistake. The snake thought the beast looked bigger. Right before the man died he said "There's millions underground. I let them all out to kill the snake. They'll probably kill us too."
Since the snake was over 2000 tons heavy and over 50 million feet long, it stuck its tail around the entire Earth, and squeezed.
The Earth cracked, and there was a big crack around the Earth, which it lay in and covered itself up. The beasts were stomping around killing everybody, destroying everything, looking for the snake.
The snake grew to 300,000 miles long, and whipped its tail out and wrapped around the moon, and pulled the moon down to Earth, and killed the beasts, creating a new mountain formed from the moon.
Chapter 3
Dinosaur Age
The baby Venomthums were turning into dinosaurs. The biggest one turned into a Gigantosaurus. Then Venonthum figured out that there were millions of those beasts underground, and he figured out that the beasts were going to be coming out from underground in Australia soon. Just then he saw two beasts come out of the moon. Then he saw one of the Gigantosauruses come, and grab the beasts that had come out of the moon, and slam their heads together so they died.
Then a pterodactyl came and flew into one of the caves on the moon. It came out carrying a beast. It was 40 times stronger than a real pterodactyl.
Then the baby Venomthums that had turned into dinosaurs got wild and started attacking Venomthum. Venonthum grabbed 4,000,000 and ate them all. Then Venomthum stomped his feet on the ground and made an earthquake, splitting Australia in half, then splitting it into thirds -- with all the wild dinosaurs on one part, all the beasts on the other part, and Venomthum on the biggest part.
And then the earthquake came, and this huge slug slime-like creature came out and said, "I am named Beeboo. I will kill you." It wrapped around the part the wild dinosaurs were at and crushed it, and the dinosaurs were running around like mad in the water.
Then it crushed the part that the fish dogs were at, and they ran around screaming in the water. Then the slime creature wrapped around Venomthum and said, "I am the one that made you. I am the one that kills you. You are going to hell. I will take over your powers, and devours will I." Then Beeboo made himself look like a snake, and split itself into two long snakes. The two snakes put themselves together like a snake with two heads and stretched out, and then he wrapped around Venomthum and said "I will give you blisters, many will I."
And then Beeboo curled part of itself up like a drill, and made a long drill out of its body, and drilled into Venomthum's head. Venomthum reached out and ate Beeboo's head, and said, "You were crazy to do that. I could have helped you to kill them. Now I have to kill you. You are a murderer."
Beeboo shot a thorn out of his mouth at Venomthum's head. Then he shut his mouth and ate Venomthum's head. Then Venomthum suddenly grew another head, and Beeboo said, "I will go get some humans to help kill you. You such a murderer are you. Die will you now, you absolute murderer." Beeboo started curling up into a ball. He rolled out into the ocean and Venomthum stuck his tongue out chasing him. And then people saw Venomthum's tongue and they said "Venomthum's back!"
and they all ran to hide.
"I've come to get your help," Beeboo said to them. "I need you to help me kill Venomthum. Won't that be good? No more earthquakes, disasters, dead people lying out in the streets, blown up cities, cracked-in-half continents, blown up countries.... Will you help me? If you do not, I will insist on having to kill you. I ate Venomthum's head, then he grew another one. You know Venomthum was created by me. I made him, but then he grew evil. I am Dr. Poopyhead, who is really an evil doctor. I like to poop on peoples' heads. If you don't help me, I will poop on your heads and dissolve and devour you will it. I am not insane, you brats! We must kill Venomthum!" He made a farting sound and let out a huge poop two times as big as the solar system, and it landed on Earth. Venomthum and Beeboo put up a shield around each other so they didn't get any poop on themselves, and everyone else was struggling to get out of the poop. "See, I am crazy. I am not crazy, I see, you dumbos."
Then Beeboo rolled up like a mirror and said, "You will go to hell now if you do not listen to me. Go to hell, everybody here." And he shot them with an acid and they disappeared. "You are in hell now!"
Then Beeboo made himself in the shape of a velociraptor and tried to eat everyone in hell. He ate 20 people and then everyone else said they would help him.
Chapter 4
End of Venomthum
Then Venomthum said, "I will kill myself to go to Universe Hell, and fight you Beeboo, to the death. You will die!"
Then Venomthum went to the Killorean galaxy, and got every little Killorean man. Then Beeboo went to the Tierums place, which is in hell, and got every single man there to fight with the Killoreans. And they both sent their armies to Earth to battle, while they stayed in the places they were, watching.
One Killorean man blew up two trikes, 500 raiders, 6 starports, 20 MCV’s and 10 construction yards. Then he flipped around in a circle and the gunning station shot him. Then the Killoreans sent 200 men out to battle the gunning stations. The gunning stations were blasted by the men. But when a gunning station blew up, two men came out of it. There were 20 gunning stations. One tricky man flipped around, landed on a gunning station – this killed the man but blasted up the gunning station, which destroyed two other gunning stations.
Then the Tierums team got two MCV’s and turned them into construction yards. Then they upgraded themselves and built many more gunning stations and starports. And then the spaceship that carries men around and makes cars, fighter planes and other fighting machines flew by and dropped some bombs on the gunning stations and blew them up. And then the gunning stations pointed up at the fighter planes. And then the men jumped up at gunning stations and killed the men in them, and blasted up one of the starports. And then the starport got out 50 trikes, and the trikes were driving around with the men in them, blasting at the gunning stations. And then the people got out and sold the gunning stations to get men and money. Then they ordered the starport to get some siege tanks, and all the men went and got in their siege tanks. And the siege tanks blasted their fireballs out at one of the trikes, and it blew up. Then an MCV came and blasted a nuclear missile out at a siege tank, and it wasn’t blown up. All the siege tanks blasted a fireball at the MCV and blew it up. It exploded and made a big earthquake.
The car-yalls the Killoreans had came flying by and picking up the siege tanks and moving them into the crack of the earthquake. Then they moved the starports there. And then the other men finally got their fighter planes and went down bombing into the cracks. But from the bombing, rocks fell down and no one could get out. But with the car-yalls, they moved the rocks and got away. And then they dropped some bombs and used their siege tanks and combat tanks and troopers and soldiers to blast a tunnel into their base. And when they got in there, their siege tanks and combat tanks and quads and troopers and soldiers tried blasting every single man on the enemy time. There was another passage that the enemies were coming in from on the other side, and there was four passages coming down from the top, with men and siege tanks and stuff like bombs and troopers and soldiers and engineers and workers coming out of them. And then the car-yalls brought down harvesters to crush all the Killorean troopers. The Killorean missile tanks blasted the car-yalls into pieces.
And then Venomthum said, "See, you’ll die, Beeboo," clapping his hands. Then he sent two pterodactyls down. The pterodactyls came down dropping bombs like mad, and were dropping bombs on every single man that came near the tunnel trying to get in. Then they started dropping missiles constantly at the Tierums. Then the Tierums’ gunning stations blasted at the pterodactyls. The pterodactyls landed on the gunning stations and blew them up. Venomthum said, "I’m losing!"
Some of the Killoreans’ fighter planes came down and they blasted up and they dropped bombs on all these men that were marching in. Then all the troopers and quads and siege tanks and combat tanks pointed up and started blasting, just like the gunning stations did. When a fighter plane swooped down and flapped its wings on the quads, it blew up. Then a quad on Tierum’s team said, "You murderers!", and he blasted two of the fighter planes out of the sky. Then Kwan, on Tierum’s team, said,
"You crazy brats. I’m just playing Quake 2. And in the game I’m blasting everyone up. Come play, please!" Then Venomthum started playing, and he was beating everyone – he beat Kwan 400 times. Then Kwan said, "I’m losing. I’m not good enough." Then Kwan grabbed a big bazooka and blasted it down on the starport, in the real world. And it exploded, and he said, "Yay! I’m good enough now!" And he blasted it out of the sky. Then Venomthum ordered 12 fighter planes to do constant firing at Kwan, and they blew Kwan up. Kwan’s scream made two other earthquakes happen down in the crack of the one earthquake that had happened before.
Then the Killorean car-yalls came and dropped a whole army off. They started blasting everyone they saw from the Tierums galaxy. Then they blasted the starport, and they went down in one of the passages into one of the earthquake cracks, into one of their bases. Then Kwan 2 said "I am the clone of Kwan. Now I will beat you in Quake 2." And he went to Quake 2 and beat Venomthum immediately and Venomthum said "Oh! I died!"
Chapter 4
End of Beeboo
Red Beam
Zar Goertzel
November 1, 1999
“Beans, beans
They’re good for your heart
The more you eat
The more you fart,”
said a legend teller. Then the kid named Tycho and his brother Psycho said, “Tell the story of the red beam. Tell the story of the red beam!”
And then the legend teller said, “OK, I’ll tell it one more time in my life. Listen well and then write it down yourself and ask other people to read it to you, because I want to forget this story, because it’s a sad one.”
The story went like this…
There were two kids named Tycho and his brother named Psycho.
There was a legend teller and he said,
“Beans, beans
They’re good for your heart
The more you eat
The more you fart.”
The kid named Tycho and his brother Psycho said, “Tell me the story of the red beam. Tell me the story of the red beam.” And the legend teller said, “OK, I’ll tell it one more time in my life. Listen well and then write it down yourself and ask other people to read it to you, because I want to forget this story, because it’s a sad one.”
The story went like this…
There were two kids named Tycho and his brother named Psycho. And their sister Luna. And Luna kept saying, “I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic!”
And Psycho said, “You’re acting more like a lunatic than me.”
And Tycho went to his friend Smarto’s house. Smarto said, “The only way to stop Luna the lunatic from doing this is to tranquilize her with a laser gun.”
And then Smarto made the laser gun. And shot Luna in the head. Luna was dead.
Smarto said, “See, I told you that was the only way to stop her.”
And then Psycho went running around saying “I’m the psychopath! I’m the psychopath! I’m the psychopath!”
Then a red beam went by and Psycho saw it and said, “I will catch Psycho the psychopath.” Then the red beam went through the planet and it made it explode.
Then Smarto said, “I think I know the way to stop this dumb thing. Just make some antimatter.”
Then Smarto made some antimatter and threw it at the red beam. The red beam just went right through it and exploded.
And then the legend teller said, “The story is over. The story is over.”
Chapter
Two
Story Comes Real
Then Psycho met someone named Luna. Luna kept running around saying “I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic! I’m a lunatic!”
Then Luna saw a red beam and the beam said “I will kill Lunatic! I will kill Lunatic!”
Then the red beam went right through Luna and the moon, and exploded, because Smarto had been smart enough to figure out that was going to happen from the past, and he had put some antimatter there to make it explode, because he was so smart because his name was Smarto. (All he eats are Smarties, that’s why he’s so smart!)
And then his parents came back from their 50 year long trip and said, “Smarto, you should stop eating right now,” and he stopped eating Smarties. Smarto was just 5 years old. He was so smart he had transported himself into the future. But when he stopped eating Smarties he became stupid and his parents renamed him Stupo. And he started eating Stupidies.
And then a legend teller came by. And then he said, “I’ll tell you the legend of the boy that got stupid from eating Stupidies and stopping eating Smarties.”
The legend teller said, “He was five years old and he knew how to make antimatter. His parents came by from a 50 year long trip and took his Smarties away from him and started feeding him Stupidies. He must have been so smart when he was a younger age that he teleported himself to the future. And then he was the stupidest thing in the universe and his name was changed to Stupido.”
The legend teller said, “And now the legend is done. I have told the story of the stupid kid. Who was made stupid just because his parents stole his Smarties to eat themselves, to make themselves smarter.”
Then Psycho was such a psychopath that he dropped a hundred atom bombs on his own head, and he exploded, and he said “Ah, that felt very good! Since I’m such a psychopath, I didn’t even notice that I should be dead, because I’m not, because I’m a psychopath.”
And then he said, “Maybe I’ll drop some atom bombs on the Smartie making factory.” Then he shot nuclear missiles at the Stupidie making factory and he took the Smarties and gave them to the boy and he became smart again.
Chapter Three
Psycho Becomes a Psychopath
No he wasn’t. He was not a psycho before. He was a smartopath.
Psycho said,
“See see psycho
See see see see psycho
Beans, beans, they’re good for your butt
The more you eat, the more you die
That’s you should just eat eat eat eat the beans
Eat eat eat eat the beans
Eat eat eat eat the beans
Fifty dozen times
Fifty dozen times of zero beans
Isn’t that smart?
Then I’ll eat fifty billion and then I’ll die
Beans, beans, they’re good for heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
Beans, beans they’re good for your lung
The more you eat, the more you song”
Then Tycho said, “Are you ever going to stop this stupid singing nonsense? Because I’m going to kill you if you take up the whole story with it. Because this isn’t real, this is just in a story.”
Then the legend teller came by and said, “Oh, man. I just got in a fight with the read beam. He beat me up badly.”
Then he said, “One of my friends from school was walking home and fell down on a hill and he got cut badly on his right cheek. Oh no, that’s something that happened in real life, not in this dumb old story. You never know what use legend tellers are going to be for.”
Then the legend teller said, “I’ll tell you the story of how the red beam beat me up. You kids, before you get as old as me, you must beat the red beam up badly.”
Then he said, “It started off, I was walking down the street saying, ‘I need some food in this desert area. I need some food badly.’ Then the red beam came up, and said ‘If you beat me up, I’ll give you lots of water and lots of food for your whole life and you’ll never go hungry again.’ I said, Ok, I’ll try it. But as soon as the fight started the red beam took a light saber out and cut me up badly. And then I felt like I was telling the story of this. And then that felt like I was telling the story of this. And then I felt like I was dying. And then all the food and water he gave me appeared out of my body. And then I finally made it here, to where I am telling the story now.”
Then he collapsed dead, and they never got to hear the whole story.
Then Psycho said, “Man, I’d like to fight that Red Beam too. It sounds awesome to fight. I’d like to fight him.”
The legend teller’s ghost came to Psycho in his sleep and said
“Beans, beans, they’re good for your butt
The more you nut, the more you nut.”
Then the ghost scratched down his body and then back up the other side.
The next night, Tycho was sleeping, and the same thing happened to him.
Then, five years later, when they were each 15, they saw the Red Beam and said “Red Beam, Red Beam, can we please fight you?”
Then Red Beam drew out his double bladed light saber and came down to fight.
Luckily, they always wore Smarto’s five-bladed light sabers. And then they started fighting. The Red Beam sliced off Psycho’s head, and Psycho’s head was bouncing around different places on Red Beam’s body.
Tycho got very mad and spun his light saber blade around in circles at the speed of light, and turned it into a boomerang shape, and then he threw it, and it cut the Red Beam’s head off, and then there were two Red Beams.
Both Red Beams said “Ha ha ha.” Then he shot his vapors at it, and it blew up and exploded, and there were billions of little ones. Then he tried his psychic gas, and it vaporized all the billions of little Red Beams.
And then they heard a voice saying, “You beat me, but I will get revenge on you one day.”
Chapter
4
Revenge of the Red Beam
150 years later, Tycho’s kid Tycho and Smarto’s kid Smarto were at the age of 35 and they were just as smart and almost just the same as the old ones from 150 years ago. And they said, “We’ll get rid of that Red Beam. We’ll kill it!!” And then the legend teller’s ghost kid, Psycho, which was a real person, was almost exactly like the original Psycho, and was also 35.
Then, they saw a huge red thing going over the sun. The sun was blanked out for a while, and then the thing came right down to Earth.
And Smarto said, “I can kill this. Just use my super psychic Saturn gas.” He moved his hand around in circles at the speed of light. And a huge beam of gas went out, and started fighting and fighting with the red beam. He kept making more and more Saturn gas, and the Saturn gas kept fighting with the more and more red beams, until the whole city that Tycho, Psycho and Smarto lived in was getting destroyed. Smarto wouldn’t leave until all the red beams were destroyed. Tycho and Psycho had special hands like that too, from Psycho, and kept sending gas out to fight with the red beams.
Then they noticed something strange. The red beams were keeping it as light as it normally was and as hot as it normally was. Then they said, “Why is this happening? We seem to be losing. The red beams seem to be forming into one giant red beam and killing all our Saturn gas guys”
Then Smarto, Psycho and Tycho made the Saturn gas guys turn into one giant Saturn gas guy. And then they kept fighting and fighting, until there were 50 of each – giant Saturn gas guys and smaller Saturn gas guys. Then the red beams started to seem like they were losing. When the red beams stabbed their swords through the Saturn gas guys, they didn’t hurt them at all, because they were just gas. But when the Saturn gas guys attacked, they were killing the red beams.
Then, Tycho, Psycho and Smarto shot psychic gas out and destroyed 9 of the red beams. Then the rest of the 10 Saturn gas guys used their swords and psychic gas and totally decerebrated the red beams.
Then the one red beam almost killed them all. But then they shot more psychic gas and killed the last one. Then the legend teller said, “You killed all the red beams that I knew about in this universe. Now I’m brought back to life! Now I’ll tell you my favorite story ever. It’s called ‘Beyond Middle Earth.’ :
Frodo and Elrond and Galadriel and Celeborn and the others sailed away from Middle Earth, saying goodbye to their friends. Aragorn son of Arathorn and Gandalf the White and Sauron of Mordor decided to come with them as well.
As they sailed along, they saw a death sign, saying “You will die if you go fifty billion miles further, and go out into space without turning at all.”
They tried that, but they couldn’t do it, they could just sail through the ocean.
Then they saw fifty billion islands with mermaids jumping all over them. And each island was as big as a quark, and the mermaids were jumping all over them. Then Celeborn said, “We need food, we will kill them all!” and he started shooting fifty arrows. He was mad because they were starving to death, so he felt like killing anything they saw that could be used as meat.
Then the mermaids started doing head butts at the ship until they started making cracks in the ship, and it was sinking. The ship sunk. Celeborn started eating the mermaids he has killed. Then he felt like he was drowning under the water, so he pulled himself up to the top of the water. And he found he could walk on the water because of all the small islands!
Then he kept running on the small islands until he saw a huge piece of land. And then he ran all the way back, a couple hundred miles, to get the others and tell them to come.
When the got to the land, they saw a huge bearlike guy, and they said “Are you Beorn’s dad?”
“Yes,” he said. “And I kill mermaids. That’s because they almost killed Beorn, that’s why he ran away to Middle Earth. But now he’s come back to me.”
Then Bilbo Baggins said “What’s your name, Beorn’s dad?”
He said, “Bagorn.”
“What’s your wife’s name?” asked Bilbo.
Bagorn said, “Boogorn.”
Then Frodo asked to see Beorn because he’d never seen him and he’d always wanted to, and Bilbo had.
So Beorn came out, bigger than ever. He said, “I just caught a lot of mermaids.”
Bilbo said, “I’m Bilbo Baggins, remember me?”
“Oh, it’s you,” said Beorn, and he stopped attacking them, although he wasn’t attacking them anyway.
Then Beorn said, “come to our house. We’ll give you dead pigs on toast, with beans, and I’ll sing you my favorite poem too.”
Then they went out hunting dead pigs. But they saw a giant pig who said “I’m not a dead pig. I’m going to kill you because you killed too many of my baby pigs.” And he crossed his arms.
Then Beorn, Bagorn and Boogorn turned into bear form, and then the pig smashed Boogorn 500 miles away into the ocean. Then Bagorn shot a couple cannons, but then he realized that they didn’t have any cannons, so how could they do that. So then he scratched the neck of the pig.
The pig smashed him 600 miles into the ocean and he landed on Boogorn (Boogorn had swum 100 miles in the wrong direction).
Then Beorn turned into a shape even bigger than the pig, and butted the pig into the sun, and the pig was dead.
But then, Beorn died.
Then when he fell down dead, they saw a couple cannonballs in the back of his head. And then they saw some men.
Elrond, Lady Galadriel, and Gandalf the White put all their rings together and shot a huge beam from all the rings together, and then the men who had killed Beorn all exploded. When the men hit the water, they made such a big splash that it splashed Bagon and Boogorn all the way back to where the men had been before.
“What happened to Beorn?” they said.
“He was killed.”
Then they saw hundreds of thousands more people come at them. They decided to run. They ran to the boat, and Bagorn and Boogorn ran to their house. They sailed; they were looking for a place that the mermaids were guarding, even though they weren’t sure the mermaids were guarding anything. But they passed a place where a lot of mermaids were, and they thought the mermaids might be guarding something there. And they found all this ham and pig meat in the water. They picked it up and put it on toast, and they ate it with beans while singing
“Beans, beans,
they’re good for your heart
The more you eat,
the more you fart”
They went outside on the deck of the boat and saw an island far off in the distance, near where the mermaids were. Then they ate their toenails and fingernails because they were so nervous and scared, because they kept hitting all these hard things. Then when they got to the parts of the boat underneath the deck, where all the hard things were hitting, they found dead mermaid parts inside the boat, which had come into the boat through small holes that the mermaids had made with their hard heads.
Soon after that, they got up on the deck, and the whole boat was crumpling up into pieces. They all got into lifeboats. Many of the lifeboats were popping, and so they had to jump into others. Just about when the last lifeboat was allowed to be broken, 100 pirate ships were coming to kill all the mermaids.
The mermaids made a huge mermaid-like body out of 10,000 mermaids, but there were still millions of mermaids left. They charged the pirate ships and destroyed 99 of them. But all 10,000 mermaids that were in the body structure were dead. All the people from Bilbo’s ship were in one lifeboat, and it seemed to be sinking, but it wasn’t because of all the little tiny islands clustered so closely together. And then they got off and ran to the other ships and got on them.
Then they said, “We’ll just leave the pirate ships here with no pirates on them, because the wave talked them all off to the mermaid.”
They just ran to the island, and the mermaids didn’t care, because they only cared about boats and large objects coming to their place.
When they reached the island, they discovered that all it was was all the boat pieces they had ever destroyed.
The mermaids were carrying the pirate boat that they had left behind, because they wanted it. But Elrond used his water ring to make the waves shove the boat back off the mermaids’ island.
They searched that place and they found all sorts of injured people, poor people, almost dead people, scared people. And underneath all of that, they found a city of humans, and mermaids, Beorn, Bagorn and Boogorn.
Then they had a whole party, eating dead fried pigs on toast.
i hate you you hate me
we're a nasty family
i give you a kick from you to me
i hope you hate me too
"bye-bye, have a bad day" says Barney.
the end of all those stories i did not finish them i dont know why.